Written by: Patti


"Well, well, well!!! I'll be damned!! I'll pinch myself and to see if I'm awake or sleeping. Hell, my fingers slip right through each other! I'm not asleep in my grave. I guess I am dead. But that means that I'm alive but my body isn't! Wow! How did I pull that one off! I must be in the first resurrection. How about that! I wonder where Jesus is. He's supposed to be giving me the low-down on teaching the masses. Or was I supposed to teach all the rest of the brethren that must have resurrected along with me. Where are they? Hey, Herman! Where are you? Yeah, Herman, hey! Are you here? Can you hear me? Last I heard of you there was a rumor you had AIDS. Was that so? How about you, Stanley? Or are you still in the flesh? Hey Gerald? You here? Naw, if you were here you'd be filling me in on all the gossip and my prophecies that failed for the last fifty years. Hey, this is cool man. Oh! Loma. You're lookin' great, baby. Looks like you've shed a few years. How'd you do that? You were pretty old and wrinkled last time I saw you. But then, I was pretty busy logging my activities with the young lady.....oh....I guess I never told you about that....and I don't see that it would be worth the trouble now. She grew up without a backward glance, so what's the big deal! Oh, never mind. It's nothing you need to know.

What's that? That bright light coming my way? Or who...I'll be damned! If it isn't Joe! Son of gun, Joe, how the hell are you? Welcome to my kingdom, you rotten son of a female. Passing the baton, you told the dumb sheep! You wouldn't even let my family in when I was laying on my deathbed, and then you told everybody I turned the Church over to you willingly!? What an operator! You really pulled it off, didn't you Joe! But that son of yours has the last laugh! Now he's got the whole kit and kaboddle! Outsmarted you! Out lived you too! Ha! Oh well, Joe. Now that you're here, I've got to line up my top men to run God's government you know. Its time we get it rolling since the sheep will be coming into pasture. Ha Ha. We've got a lot of preaching to do before the next batch arrives in the second resurrection, so who should we get to write up the assignment lists and take attendance? We'll have to see how many of the deacons made it. I hope a few of them are around. Have you seen any? I haven't either. Maybe we can sucker, oh I mean entice a few deaconesses to get the job done. Hey ladies, its time to bring out the crystal service and put away the Tupperware, we have God's work for you to do. Ladies? Hey you? I'm God's Apostle! But its your duty to obey me.... Oh! I should go where? I'll disfellowship you for that and mark you! How dare you ignore my orders! Don't you know who I am!?

What the....? What the hell are you doing here John Trechak? Damn it! Do you have to follow me and Joe everywhere we go? Can't you ever stop that damn Ambassador Report so Joe and I can get back to the business of God's work without our every move getting reported to the brethren! Why the hell are you laughing? There's nothing funny about it, John. We've got work to do. How'd you get here anyway? You were disfellowshipped and marked a long time ago. How'd this happen? Hey Joe! Did YOU let him back in? Hey Joe, where the hell did you go, don't you know that I'm in charge now and you have to be submissive. Joe. Damn him, there he goes in his black Cadillac. How'd he get that? How does he rate anyway?

Well, guess I'll mosey on, but I'm not sure where I'm going. Hey you! How do I get headquarters? Hey you over there....boy with the wolf. How dare you walk away from me. I demand your respect! How'd he get here anyway? The hell with him, I'll figure out the layout and get to headquarters so I can get started on the new millennium. I wonder where that music is coming from. Guess I'll go see. Oh there's a crowd. Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ, brethren. Jesus Christ! Well I'll be a son of a...if it isn't the 'king of rock 'n roll! And he's still singing and swiveling those hips. I'll have to write some new articles about lewd behavior and publish it in the next issue of the Plain Tru............ Wait a minute......Elvis was never a baptized member of the church so what's he doing here anyway? Hey boy! Stop this instant! Hum... must not have heard me. Oh well, maybe I can still cut the rug myself, if nobody is watching of course. 'well its one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and go cats go.....' Hey this is fun. I haven't danced since Garner Ted was at Ambassador College. Hey Ted? You here? Ted! Can you hear me? Guess not. I'm not surprised. He's a chip off the old block. Must not have been sincere when he repented the last time. Too bad. Guess I'll have to remember that he is still disfellowshipped from God's true church even if he was my heir apparent until the Tkach boys came along and changed everything. Oh yeah, that's right. They did change everything. Maybe that's why nobody else is here. They're all in Sabbath services. Must be Saturday...oh that's right....that was changed too. Must be Sunday. Hey you over there! What time does the sun set today? Yeah. I want to know when the Sabbath is over? You never heard of the Sabbath? How'd you get here? Geeeeeeze! Maybe I am just dreaming after all. I wonder. You aren't Christian? Then what are you doing in the first resurrection? Stop laughing. Who do you think YOU ARE laughing at God's Apostle, Jesus Christ? THE HELL YOU SAY!!!!! If you're Jesus Christ, then I'm Mickey Mou........You really are him? I suppose you're here to help me get the government set up, right? Stop laughing. I'll tell God and get you disfellowshipped if you don't treat his Apostle with respect. Now go get Joe over here and we'll get started.....Oh. You're giving the orders now? Its not the Sabbath? What do you mean its not the first resurrection? What do you mean that I preached a bunch of bullshit? How dare you insult me! Whatdaya mean I'm no Apostle? And that they have had a few cold days there. Stop laughing, dammit! This isn't funny. Where's my jet? I'm outta here? Nowhere to go? Gotta stay and repent? The hell you say! God has a recycling program? I'm to be in charge of that, huh? NO? Stop laughing. Recycles garbage? Next time I have to be born again as a female? What do you mean, born again? I ain't goin' nowhere!!! Stop laughing. I have to go? God said? Can't I at least be a male? I wouldn't know what to do without my ........I'll get used to it? Oh no! Or else? What's the 'or else'? You'll send Rosanne to be my mom and John Trechak to be my dad next time around? No! No! No! I'll go. Bye Jesus, I'll go. See ya, Joe. I'm outta here. Goin' back to try again. You too? A twin sister? Whatda ya mean, Martin Luther King, Jr.'s grand children? Black? Oh shit!

Chapter One

When I woke up this morning I had the strangest feeling, like I'd been dreaming about passing through a tunnel and meeting up with a bunch of well-wishers. They could have been better greeters though. I'll have to have the spokesman's club use the topic of "how one should be a humble greeter" for their next assignment. One of those idiots actually introduced himself as Jesus Christ. Must be a nut case.

Gosh! Isn't it amazing! I can clap my hands together and they just pass right through one another! Wow!!! This body is really something else! I used to preach about the soul sleeping in the grave until the resurrection. I really thought the Jehovah Witnesses had a spectacular idea, about staying on the earth 'in the kingdom'. Then Jesus comes back and everybody gets educated with my one true church. They never knew I borrowed a bit of my doctrine from them. Heh heh. But then the Mormons didn't know I stole from them either when I discovered that they were God makers and that was as good as any incentive to get people to want to be a part of my church. Heh heh. Will wonders never cease! All I had to do was tell people that they would become gods and they couldn't get enough of my preaching! Heh heh. The arrogant jerks.

And good old Adolph Hitler. He had some damn good ideas about control. I couldn't have designed my doctrines and policies without his expertise incorporated into my idealism. It really worked. His idea of telling a 'big lie' rather than a little bitty one, worked wonders with the dumb sheep! Heh heh. Actually I didn't lie about much. I AM the greatest! Never before in the history of mankind has there been any one apostle that blanketed the world with as much 'plain truth' as I did. I really got the message out there, even if it was a modge podge of Christianity and Judaism and quite a few other religions. I thought my borrowing even a little reincarnation from the Eastern Religions was a clever way to get Elijah to come back when it was convenient. Well, I suppose I'll have to come up with some more information. That six month, in depth study of the Bible, gave me quite a bit to go on but I could spend another six months and see what else I can come up with. Then I'll pass it along to the ministers for them to preach about.

Lets see. Its time for me to call for a ministerial conference. Where's my phone? Actually I am confused. Where am I? I thought I was in my own bed, but this is a strange place. Hum. Look out this window and....hey....I'm not even in Pasadena! Where the hell am I? Did the jet land someplace and I fell asleep before it landed and here we are in a new place. That must be it. Hey Rod? Where are you? Herman? Stanley? Yeah, you're still on the payroll until 2004, so you might as well keep working for me. Stan? Ted? Where the hell are all you guys? Ramona? I didn't call for you. What the hell are you doing here? You want what? My last will and testament? Get lost!!! I must be dreaming still. That dame has got her nerve even in my sleep.

Oh shit! Maybe I'm really asleep in my grave and dreaming! Maybe I'll have nightmares like this for a thousand years! That would be worse than what I preached about oblivion. Damn. I can't figure this one out. Hey anybody! Can you hear me?

Huh? There's hat Jesus freak again, all dressed up in robes and sandals acting like a fool, smiling and blessing everybody. He will be a tough one to convert! There're be none of that gentleness and sweetness in the men in my church! Who wants those damn sissies anyhow! Not me. I want REAL men. Men that can rule with a rod of iron. Hey Rod? Speaking of ruling with a rod of iron...where are you? You've always been my 'yes man', so now when I need to have your help you're nowhere to be found.

This is disgusting. Oh, hello there missy. You've got a cute ...excuse you? You're an angel? Yeah, and I'm the big bad wolf! See my choppers? Heh heh! The better to eat you my dear. Oh, where's my teeth? Must have left them on my dresser. You never saw anyone with spare parts before? Where have you been? Oh sure....in

heaven....and I've been a good little boy and you're the tooth fairy! Right!?

Hum. This is strange. I do have my teeth in. But they don't come out. In fact they are real. How'd that happen? Oh yeah...something strange here just like with my hand clapping. I can stick my finger in my mouth and it comes out my nose or ear or.....Stop laughing. I was only playing. You think I need to be re-educated in a re-education camp? Aren't they located in China? I don't want to go to China. Besides they'd stop my jet from landing there because I pissed them off a few years ago on account of Mr. Chin or Chan or what was his name? That funny little bull legged guy that used to do some importing for me. I don't wanna go to .....Who said anything about China? Well I just assumed.....You're going to send me to this camp here? But I'm sleeping and having a nightmare!.....I'm not sleeping? What the hell do you call this then?.......You've got to be kidding! This ain't no heaven. Where's my harp? Heh, heh.....oh.....its a heavy one. But I don't know how to play it. Play it anyway? Just for kicks? Who do you think you are telling me to....Just shut up and play?

I think it was Taiwan where I last "tied one on" anyway with the little ladies and what a blast with.....hey.....Herman! You around? Just thinking about some good-old-days and you come to mind...Herman's not here you say? I wasn't bragging! I was just logging a few more of my escapades for posterity!....And I'll be doing what for penance?.....What do you mean, born again? I ain't gettin' involved with no 'born again Christians'. I should have thought about that when I wrote all those stupid booklets? What do you mean, stupid booklets! They were my best work! How dare you say they stunk! How dare you say they caused thousands and thousands of people their lives? I didn't kill anybody. I didn't hurt anybody. I was only following orders. I was on a hot line from God himself! And he told me what to write. Every word. If you don't believe me, just ask Garner Ted. He heard 'em too. Who you ask? God. God told us. I am NOT....I repeat.....NOT.....FULL OF SHIT. I am GOD'S APOSTLE. HIS ONE AND ONLY APOSTLE ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH!!! What do you mean that that was then, this is NOW? What do you mean this isn't earth??????? ...to be continued

Chapter Two

Where's that damn maid service!!! I demand immediate room service!!!! How the hell can I preach on an empty stomach? Dammit, get those pork chops up here immediately! There! That oughta get'em movin'!!!! How the hell can I write ad nauseam as I must, on an empty stomach! I have to rewrite my articles on the dangers of eating unclean meat. Hey room service, I'll take a lobster with my pork chop! And plenty of fluffy white bread with gobs of strawberry jelly. Can't get enough of that sweet stuff! Oh, thinking about sweet stuff, you shoulda seen the stream of nice little college freshman girls ripe for the pickin' at Ambassador College every year. I was inspired by them, time and again to write about that old Jezebel and the dangers of getting worked up over these hot babes, or rather, sinful women. Those Eve descendants. Mother Eve, you've produced your whole line bad bad prodigy. Ain't a woman alive who can match up to any man, even the lowest of the low....hey where the hell is that room service? Can't you dumb broads ever get here on time?!!! I'm a hungry man and you'd better watch out when I'm hungry. I'll eat ANYTHING!!! Heh heh.....

Damn accommodations! Its not the same here as the good old days when I was jetting all over the globe and picking the cream of the crop, so to speak, all over the globe while preaching of course. Had to have some kind of a cover up, to make it look like authentic church business. Managed a few nice photographs too of world leaders. All it cost was a few thousand dollars to buy a priceless antique crystal and I could get all the photos I wanted. The dumb sheep ate that up like a bunch of pork chops! Hey dammit, where's my damn pork chops! I'm hungry. What do you mean this is no hotel?

What are you doing working here, John Trechek? What's on that tray? Oh, you brought me my breakfast, bless your rotten heart! Here, put it right here in front of me. Hey, this is pretty good. You cook this too? Oh, you just harvested it. I see. Not too bad, John. Tastes a little funky though. What is it? They call it a cow pie? Aw John, don't tease an old man, tell me what it really is. Chomp! Chomp! Oh, you got it out in that pasture over there? The one I can see out my window? Oh. I see. So tell me the truth John, the plain truth. The hell you say, John! You wouldn't feed me a pile of dried out bullshit! Oh, you would? Chomp Chomp Chomp. What's that loud noise I hear, John? Oh, just the bull outside my window? BULL?????? Aw shit! That's right you say? you son of female dog. Stop laughing, John. It isn't funny. Give me a tooth pick. Burp!

Just deserts, huh, John? So what are you going to bring me for desert? One of those cute little blond bombshells I see floating around all over the place? Heh, heh.....Oh, there're angels, you say. Yeah and I'm the pope. Oh, you don't think the pope would like you using his name in vain? Ha Ha Ha....that ain't all I'd use in vain in that old Harlot Babylon religion. I could tell you stories, John, about the Vatican and popes that would curl your toe nails. I'll bet if you could sneak your way into the Vatican Library you could find out a lot of juicy stuff about that old cat at the top, and all the others all the way back to St. Pete! Yeah John, just a whole new territory for you to report on so you can get off my back!

Who wants to see me? Yeah right! And I'm the Queen of Sheba! So you're St. Pete, oh excuse me, Peter! Ha Ha Ha. We had another connotation for that word back in the old days, Pete. Heh, heh....so what the hell do you want with me? Disrespectful? Who me? Naw man! I respect the hell outa you and all the REAL MEN. Its just these wimpy guys that freak me out, like the one that's walking this way in robes and sandals. He looks like a real loser! A sissy. A wimp. Oh Jesus Christ! That's right! This lunatic introduces himself as Jesus Christ. And I'm Mickey Mou.....you say he is Jesus Christ? And you're St. Pete? Ha Ha Ha, and so where's your buddy Judas? Still hanging around on the tree I suppose! Ha Ha Ha......THE HELL YOU SAY!!!!! The hell you say!!!! That's him walking outside in the bull pen? Sure, and John Trechak wears panty hose!!!! John? Where the hell did you go John, just when I needed you? John?

Oh? He had to go over and talk to Joe Tkach cause he's crying again? What the hell has he got to cry about? The old fool. He took over my empire, I mean my church, I mean God's church when I....oh that's right fellas. This is all a nightmare. And you'll all go "POOFT" in just a minute or two and I can enjoy my pork chops and lobster and a good cold beer! He's still crying? Because he was the number one apostle for such a short time compared to me? Oh, what a jerk!!!! He'd never have been an apostle at all if I hadn't left the position vacant for him. Of course, the arrogant jackass couldn't wait to get my job. Even rewrote my best seller, "Mystery of the Ages". NO! NOT MYSTERY OF THE AGED!!!!!!!!! A G E S you fools! What do you mean you never read such bullshit? Whatda ya mean it was never a best seller? Whatda ya mean I was a senile old fool? What do ya mean that at least there was more truth in that book than my autobiography? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!!!!! IT WAS NOT FICTION!!! I don't like this place. Nobody likes me. Stop LAUGHING!!!!

Dammit Joe, stop your blubbering!!! Can't you see I've got REAL trouble? Nobody will bring me my pork chops!

Don't let those alligator tears fool you fellas, he's a real peach! Scripture whipped and harangued his wife until she was a mindless fool stumbling around in her robe and slippers all over Ambassador campus. That's what John Trechak told me. I suppose its true. John wouldn't lie. Would you, John? Hey John, where'd you go? Out for breakfast? He's having pork chops and lobster and a cold beer? That son of a bi........stole my breakfast! Damn you John!!! Its not bad enough that you ruin my reputation by writing all that shit about me, then you go steal my food. I'd never do THAT to anybody. Steal their food? How low can you go? John, you're a monster. I'm hungry!!!! What do you mean I robbed people of their food budget for years? What do you mean there were a lot of hungry kids around the world because of my greed? What do you mean some of them died because of me? If they were dumb enough to send me their money, it was their own stupidity!!!! you can't pin that on me, Jesus Christ!

You have proof? Akashic Records? That's what you call the book of life? It's all in there? Word for word? Deed for deed? Jesus Christ!!!! Not getting away with anything? Not one little jot or tittle? Tit for tat. What do you mean, born again? What goes around comes around. Cause and effect...I was right on that? Oh Shit!

Chapter 3

"Oh its a beautiful day in the neighborhood...blah....blah....blah...humm....hum...What have we here? Oh! If it isn't my old buddy, old pal, how the hell are you, you old son-of-a-gun! Will wonders never cease? Will I wake up and this will all disappear? Hey you over there! Dick! Dick! It's me, Herbert W. Armstrong. How's it going, buddy? Haven't seen you since the last time we had our pictures taken together.....when I was on my tour to preach the word of God, yeah. You don't remember? You were busy because of Watergate? You don't remember me? Oh, you do remember me? Great! Not great? It was easier dealing with the Democrats? That's not fair, Dick. I never broke into your headquarters. You heard someone took over mine at Pasadena? That's where WHO? got the idea??? Pay off the authorities? Because I persuaded them to give up the receivership you think I paid them off, Dick? Well it worked, didn't it!!! So what's the big deal, Dick? Dick? Where'd you go, Dick.? Damn him! Can't take a little reminiscence of the good-old-days.. what a sore loser. That's a Republican for ya.

"Don't speak like that of the dead, you say? Who the hell are YOU to tell me how to talk? Jesus Christ? Damn! Its you again! What the hell do you want with me, you sandal footed, effeminate flunky? I am NOT arrogant!!! God hates arrogance? So what's that got to do with me? I'll meet my match? He who gets the last laugh, laughs best? Stop laughing!!

"I wish you were here, Herman. At least I'd have somebody to talk to who spoke my language and didn't PULL RANK on me. I'd even settle for a few minutes with the windbag. At least Gerald treated me like an apostle. These old-timers here got no respect for a man of God. Oh shit! Here comes John Trechak again. Hey, John! How were the pork chops? Best you ever ate, you say? Stop laughing, John. I don't think you've very nice...stealing food from an old man. You don't think I'm very nice either? Nobody likes me. I don't get any respect. You've heard that before? There's more than one Rodney? One earns his living as a comedian, the other never intended to be, but is a hoot? No RESPECT, John. You don't give me no respect, or you wouldn't talk about my right hand men that way. STOP LAUGHING! John! Dammit John.

"Didn't it ever occur to you people around here that I'm a self-made man? I tried everything to make a living when I was a young man, and it wasn't easy. Even tried to sell mud for facials. Why do you think it pisses me off when women wear makeup? They wouldn't buy my beauty packs when they had a chance, so they don't have to wear that paint on their faces now. I wasn't talking about Rod. Still another Rod out there? This one wears makeup? Oh that basketball star? What a show off, John. He acts that way because he's a show off. I've out 'show-offed' him? What are you saying, John? You think I'm more of a celebrity? Oh, in a smaller circle. Just to the brethren? I'm not a show-off John! I'm God's apostle. Stop laughing!

" You again, Pete? What the hell do you want. Stealing your title? You're the real apostle. Yea, and I'm Tiny Tim! The ukulele player who married Miss Vickie, you idiot! Not the little cripple! You're who you are and I'm who I am? Can't change that? Take responsibility for everything I've ever done? Oh, get a life, Pete! Aren't you supposed to be tending the pearly gates?

"What a jerk! Can't get off my back! And who the hell are you looking at me that way? Charles? I don't know ya, chuck. Dickens? Hum...have we ever met? But I never meant any harm Chuck when I talked about Tiny Tim. I was referring to that 60's kook with the long hair who strummed a ukulele and sang 'Tiptoe Through The Tulips'. You want me to shut up my 'two lips'. Excuse me? You'd like to send the ghost of Christmas past to give me a life review? Hey Chuck, old Pete and his nutty buddy Jesus Christ have been doing that every day. There were lots of Tiny Tim's left in my wake? What the hell does that mean? Sure I preached that parents should trust God and not doctors, send me their tithe money and not buy health insurance. Big deal! Its their problem, Chuck. Kids died? Parents died? Just because they refused medical treatment. So, Chuck, what's your point?

"Loma? Whatda ya know about Loma, Chuck? It was her choice, Chuck, not to get a doctor when she was sick. Its not my fault she suffered a bowel obstruction and died, even though a simple procedure would have saved her. God let her die. My son? What do you know about my son? Oh, that one. Not many people knew about Richard. My fault? Get off it, Chuck. God's will. I ain't takin' no blame for nobody dying!!! It was God's will. God was punishing them for not having any faith. That's the way it is Chuck! Who are all those people out there, Chuck? There's enough to fill Ambassador Auditorium. Who are they all? Here to see me? What the hell do they want to see me for? Go and see? But I don't wanna!!! No choice. God said?

"These are all former members and children in the Worldwide Church of God? Howdy folks! Here I AM. HERBERT W. ARMSTRONG. FOUNDER AND APOSTLE OF GOD'S ONE TRUE CHURCH ON THE PLANET EARTH! Oh...the hell you say....this isn't earth....oh yeah....I heard that the other day.....YOU WHAT? Have all those who died because they refused medical treatment because of my doctrine? So, Chuck, what's your point? Stop swearing, Chuck. Show me some RESPECT! Whatda ya mean I don't deserve the respect of a snail? Whatda ya mean I'm a murderer? Have you lost your marbles? I can't help it if the dumb sheep are too dumb to go to a doctor. You know I had the very best doctors money could buy when I was sick before coming here. I didn't ask anybody's permission to get a doctor. I just hired the best! Oh...who's money you ask? Well, out of my salary of course, Chuck. From the church! You criticizing me for using the tithe money these dead people paid to me to pay my doctor bills? Outrageous? Get a life, Chuck. What'd you say? Can't hear ya Chuck! Too much booing from the crowd. I'm outta here. Gonna have some lunch. Chuck, where'd you go?

"Hey John, wanna go to lunch? I'll buy the pork chops. Maybe if I buy you some you'll not steal mine!!! I'm getting the idea? What idea, John? There's enough for everybody if the hogs don't hoard it all? They got pigs here, John? Let's go eat, I'm hungry."

Chapter Four

"Those sure were good pork chops, John. We'll have to do lunch again sometime! Now be honest with me, John...was that really bullshit you were feeding me the other day? Oh, you would never do such a thing! It was only brown bread in the shape of a cow pie...what a relief, John. You'd never shove bullshit down anybody's throat like I did? That's not nice to say, John. Not nice at all. I was just feedin' the flock, ha ha. Just feeding the dumb sheep.

"Did I tell you John, that I met Charles Dickens the other day? Yeah...he was really pissed off at me for what he referred to as the Tiny Tim fiasco. Brought all the folks together that he said died because of my doctrine against medical treatment. What a wimp! He even talked about my son Richard. You know, John, I didn't cause the car accident that Richard had. I didn't cause him to go into shock. And I didn't allow him to have the injection that the doctors in the emergency room said would bring him out of shock. I don't know where anyone got the idea that I had anything to with his death, John. It was the will of God. I just did not intervene in God's will, John. Oh, you heard about this from Pastor MaGee? What else did he tell you, John. John? Who's that with you now, John? I'll be a son of a bitc...........RICHARD! You won't let me shake your hand? But son, I'm your father!!!! How dare you call me such names. You are to HONOR your father and mother, Richard. HONOR!!!!! Whatda mean I haven't a clue what honor is? You ungrateful mouthy little son of a.....

"Oh who cares anyway. I'll just mosey on over to this little park and see what all the excitement is that's going on. Hum....that black guy looks familiar....oh, I recognize him now. Its Martin Luther King, Jr., the civil rights guy. Wonder what he's up to...I'll see if I can get closer to him. I don't ever remember having my picture taken with him, but maybe I can weasel my way outta this mess if I kiss up to 'em. Oh! Listen to that! He's just had an audience with God and asked that his grandchildren be spared. From what I wonder. I can't hear him very well. He doesn't want Herbert W. Armstrong and Joe Tkach reincarnated as his twin granddaughters??? He's gotten a special dispensation from God for all the civil rights work he did on earth and his request has been granted. Well I guess that saves my ass too! I'll have to tell Joe when I see him. I don't think he was too enthusiastic about the idea either.

"Oh there's Joe....Oh Joe, did you hear the news? We aren't going to reincarnate as Martin Luther King Jr.'s twin granddaughters after all. God let us off the hook!!! The rest of the story? No Joe, I didn't hear the whole thing. What are you talking about? You've got to be kidding!!! Mike Tyson and who?

"I don't like this place, Joe!!! Who are those kids with you? They were in the Worldwide Church of God when I was still in charge? Hi girls, do you know who I am? I'm Herbert W. Armstrong, God's apostle and founder of His church! Stop that! Stop spitting on me! Where's the security guards? Get these little wenches offa me!!! Whatda ya mean they lost their lives because they couldn't have appendectomies? Died of burst appendixes? And you say it was my fault? Oh that one lost her hearing because of a mastoid infection that went untreated? Like I said, Joe, I had nothing to do with it. It was God's will!!! Those people didn't have enough faith that God was going to heal them and THAT'S WHY THEY DIED. I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, JOE!!!! Joe? Where did you go?

"You think you're disgusted!!! I just come here, not even of my own free will, and all I get is flack! Flack! Flack, flack, flack. What a bunch of idiots, blaming me for all their problems. I don't get no respect. I don't even get to eat my pork chops when I call for room service, Trechak jumps the gun on me. I'm sick of this. I just want to go to the World Tomorrow and get the kingdom set up. I just want all my boys back workin' for me...

"No, I was just talking to myself! Who are you? Tiny Tim? Where's your ukulele, bub? heh heh heh. You look just as dumb in that long hair as you did on TV, Tim. How do you think God feels about that long hair, man? Don't you know God hates long hair? Who? Jesus Christ? Naw, his hair wasn't long, that was just a lie. Believe me, Tim. Oh you know for a fact that Jesus Christ had long hair? Still does, you say? Oh I can't win 'em all, Tim. Didn't mean to insult you, Tim. I should tiptoe through my own tulips and stay out of your garden? Whoops! I didn't realize I was stepping on your flowers. Whatda mean that at least your fans got what they bargained for and you never claimed to be song bird! NO! I AM NOT A BIRD OF PREY!!!! Whatda mean I ain't no bird-o-paradise? A VULTURE? Damn you, Tim. Just damn you. Stop laughing.

"I don't know what this place is coming to. I just walk around looking for headquarters and I meet up with the damdest people. All I've done is mind my own business and all I get is flack! Flack, flack, flack!!!! I hope they were kidding about having to be born again to Mike Tyson and some babe, that sounds like torture to me. Can't I at least be white. What about my autobiography? I'm descended from King David's seed. I'm heir to the royal family and the British branch of Israel. Doesn't anybody know who I am here? Oh, you do, huh John? Yeah, and you tattle on me at every turn! Oh you wouldn't do that if the truth was in me? John, you know damn well that I've always told the plain truth! John! Stop laughing. Get up, John! Tim gets mad when you flatten his flowers!! John! Quit rolling on the ground! Damn him!!! He'll get me in trouble all over again! I outa here...."

to be continued....

 The Adventures of HWA (Here We go Again) "On the Other Side"5 by Patti L.  (c) 1999

"Well, well, well!!! Who do we have here!!!! My right hand man twice removed!!! If it isn't John! John Robinson!!! How the hell are you John? Haven't seen you since you left the nest!!! Aren't I meaning the web? Naw John, I mean God's church, the Worldwide Church of God! No, John, it isn't a tangled web. Its the one and only true church on the face of earth! Whatda ya mean it'll get untangled on the worldwide web? I think you're nuts, John. Its not the worldwide web, its the worldwide ch......oh you heard me the first time and I should listen to you? Ha ha John! Whatda you know that I culd give a damn about??? I'm the apostle! God talks directly to me!!! I should have gotten an "Oscar"? How nice of you to think that highly of me, John! Because I put on a pretty good show? Fooled a lot of people into believing a tangled web of lies? Now, John, that isn't nice! You should respect your elders. That isn't nice to say, John. No, just because I'm older doesn't mean I'm wiser. But I'm a not a senile old fool! Whatda ya mean its better than being called a diabolical, evil, murdering, narcissistic, egtistical old fool!? Shut up, John. You're talking to ME. Remember WHO you are talking to!!! Whatda ya mean you know and you're not the senile one! Damn you, John.

"What are you doing here anyway, John? Give up selling books? Oh, you haven't given up selling books, you've passed the batan! I've heard that story before! Joe Tkach told everybody I was passing the batan to him and all he did was take over the position of God's apostle when I was too weak to stop him! The only thing I'd pass to him is gas.......Whatda ya mean I expelled enough hot air to polute the whole planet? And that's why you wrote a best seller John? Delusional? Who me? John, if anybody is delusional its you. I'm the apostle here, not you and anytime I call on Jesus Christ, he's right here to.......see, John. Howdy Jesus Christ! Got new sandals? Those old ones look like something the cat dragged in, har har........Hey Jesus, this is my old friend, John Robinson from Tulsa. John, stop denying that we're friends! Whatda ya mean you thought you were in hell when you saw me? Whatda ya mean I preached a gospel contrary to Jesus Christ? Hey John.....Jesus.....where are you going without me? Damn it!!! Fair weather friends!!!

"Oh John Trechak....too many John's if you ask me......hi John. You're the best friend I've got here. Whatda mean I'm pretty hard up if that's the case! You're only hangin' around to write another issue of the Ambassador Report. Damn you, John! Stop Laughing!!!! Lets go for breakfast...Whatda ya mean they're all out of pork chops and we'll have to eat pancakes? I've always dined 'high on the hog', John. Heh, heh!!! Whatda ya mean some hogs are pigs, John? Hey John, who's the pretty lady over there? The one with the big smile and sooooo tall? Diana? Princess Diana. Oh, John, she's my relation. Didn't you read my genealogy in my autobiography? I'm a descendant of King David who is the ancestor of the family on the British thrown and I'm a thirty-second cousin thrice removed, John.....John........John! Get up off the ground and quit rolling around!!!! It isn't THAT funny. A lot of 'em believed me!!!! Oh, Jesus Christ!!! You again!!! You're the true descendant of King David? You think I'm full of what????? Oh, Jesus Christ! I never thought you'd say a thing like THAT!!!!

"Greetings to you in the name of Jesus Christ, Princess Diana. I'm Herbert W. Armstrong, founder of the Worldwide Church of God, and God's one and only apostle of the twentieth century. You won't shake my hand, young lady? Its been in places you wouldn't touch....clean up the mess I made?.....heir to the Devil's thrown? I make Charles look like a saint? Chuck who, missy? What the dickens? You back again? Chuck? Whatda want with me? We're going were? You got permission from whom? Do a little past life review? Oh shit! Here we go again! Bye Diana. Look at that! She won't even wave. Didya see that, Chuch? She spit on the ground where I was standing. What a wench!

"Where are we, Chuck? Pasadena? Why do you want me to look at all these Christmas decorations? Whose house are we in? This is what year? When I was Pastor General.....no Christmas here....no presents.....deprived children of their childhoods.....what's this?? A woman lying on a bed? Sick and won't go to a doctor because of my doctrines.......she's dead, Chuck? Those are her little children that are crying? I don't like it here, Chuck....lets get outa here.....where are we now? This place stinks, Chuck.....who are these old people sitting around in wheel chairs........why are they screeching and reaching for me, Chuck? They're the ones who I cheated out of their homes and they have to live in squalor? Why should I give a damn, Chuck. They're nothing but ignorant fools!!! I want to go home......who are these people in my home, Chuck??? They don't belong here! Where's my good China? My expensive crystal? My.........God........Chuck..........everything's gone. And if I don't repent then I'll have to live where??? And never be with God? No joy? No love? Nothing but misery? I don't like it here, dammit Chuck!!!! Let me outa here!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh, we're back to this, are we, Chuck....Chuck? Where'd you go Chuck. Damn him. Gets me all worked up and then disappears like Hoodeeny! And howdy-ho to you too! Who are you? I called? Whatda ya mean I called? Said your name? Yeah, so what? That was a summons? Oh, I don't know the rules here? Better learn them or I'll end up with some weird visitors? Whatda mean by that? Trickster? Worked magic? Mind control is like magic? Can trip a trigger and somebody goes into trance? You want to learn how I did that? Who-deenie? I never did that....never told a bunch of lies. Never preached................oh, you know better because you heard of me a long time ago. Braggart? Arrogant? Self Centered? Mean? Don't you have anything nice to say to me? You don't? Then shut up!!! You want to put me in THAT THING and make me disappear? Where do I go if I disappear from here? Whatda ya mean, Born again? Damn it!!! Is that all anybody can ask me around here?

"Cheap tricks? So you think I took lessons from some magician and.....oh...so you figure I did more than just Bible study in those six months in depth study I brag about.....most people spend not six months but six years or more in Bible study...and I thought I was an expert.......learned a bunch of crap and wove it together into a magic spell and hypnotized my audiences? Totalitarianism? Tyrant? Hitler buff? I studied Adolf Hitler, you say? You sure know how to say nasty things about an old man! I'm God's apostle and God gave me the instructions.......aren't buying it?......we have a visitor?.......called his name and he's here? Oh Shit! Greetings to you in the name of Jesus Christ, Adolph. How the hell are you? Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!!! Jesus Christ? Where the hell are you when I NEED YOU!???"

to be continued......................


 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side"6 by Patti (c) 1999

"I DEMAND you to come here this INSTANT!!! Jesus Christ!!!!! Come here!!! NOW!!!! What am I calling on him for? Scared of you? No Mr. Hitler, I'm one of your greatest fans....yeah....read all your stuff....Mein Kampf.....stole from you too? Naw...I just borrowed from you Adolf. I knew how well things worked for you. You sure got the people to ask 'how high' when you said 'jump'. Yeah, worked for me too. Some of 'em are still jumping around like a bunch of drunkard frogs...hop....hop....hop....heh...heh...OH? You were the master of harangue until I showed up? Sure works! Snapping those minds like tooth picks!!! Gotta know just how to push 'em to the edge and then WHAM!!! They're your pidgeon! Will sit, stand, speak, shut up, and bend over whenever you say! Not to mention, send in their tithe money....first, second and third. What a bunch of damn fools! Can you believe it, how they slaved away to pay all that money to me? Ha ha, and what a life I had! The finest restaurants every day, any day!!! The mansions and furnishings from all over the world, and the jet at my beck and call. And the women, Adolf! The women!...well I've had the smorgas board there too!!! And the young 'uns...you ain't tasted tender meat... Adolf until you've..........

"Pork chops....yeah......not until you've had the pork chops they serve here Adolf. Adolf, where are you? You've repented a little over the last fifty years and can't stomach listening to me brag? I don't believe you, Adolf. I don't believe God would ever forgive you. You mean even after the millions of people you destroyed, God will give you time to turn your life around? If you're absolutely sincerely sorry? God is not made in man's image, you say? Man is made in God's image, and he's thrown away the mold for you and me? At least you were crazy, what's my excuse? Yeah, sure, buddy. I'm not your buddy? Like you said, get lost?....go away....get a life.....God is in charge here and can do anything....even forgive somebody like me? But, I don't have anything to repent of, Adolf......I'm God's apostle.........

"Believing my own delusions? You again!!! Wake up and smell the coffee?....but Hew-deenie....I don't wanna....ha ha.....you'll show me something? This autta be good. Why are we in front of this audience? Nice introduction, man, now you want me to hypnotize this crowd.....well all I know how to do is.....preach! Bore them to death? Then they'll stop listening and their sub-conscious minds will absorb everything...yeah....I know that....worked wonders on the dumb sheep....so now what do ya want me to say? I should tell them I'm sorry for all the garbage I put in their subconscious minds? I should apologize for deliberately lying to them about scripture? I should tell them I twisted the scriptures to mean what I wanted them to mean? I should tell them that God gave them each a direct line of communication of their own and they don't need ANYBODY ELSE???? Do you think I'm a damn fool, Who-deenie? Tell them all that? Oh you do think I'm a damn fool. No? Oh....damned fool.

"So you want me to tell them that the Bible is a collection of writings put together at the council of Nicea by the Roman Catholic Church, that says what they wanted it to say? They were a bit like me in that endeavor? Oh, so God inspired them? Oh, God isn't taking all the blame for all that's been done in His name? A lot of people were killed back then too, for not agreeing with the choices of writings. Oriegen? Who was he? They killed him for writing heresy? And you're calling me a heretic? I bastardized religion? Made a bad name of it? Caused people to give up religion altogether? Is that bad? Oh, so you think I did something even worse? Tell me about it, Who-deenie!!! What did I do? I put myself in the place of God? I set myself up to be their authority, not God? They transferred their worship to me instead of God? So? What's your point, Who-deenie? Who-dunit? Ha ha ha.....pretty clever wouldn't you say? An imposter? Screwed up a lot of people? Some of them went crazy because they really love God and tried to obey me instead? And you're holding me responsible for that, man? The devil made me do it....ha ha ha..........

"Oh shit! I didn't mean to page him.....I hope he doesn't show up now like the rest of them do! I still haven't found headquarters. I guess I'll have to mosey on down this road....I'm off to see the wizard....the wonderful wizard of Oz....blah...blah....blah.....follow the yellow brick road......howdy....howdy....howdy....skip to maloo....sure run into enough idiots around here......'when all I want is a party doll'....'ta be ever lovin' true and fair....to run her fingers through my hair....comalong and be my party doll...I wanna make love to you...to you....I wanna make love to you'.....Loma! What the hell are you doing? Evesdropping on me again, daughter of EVE! EVEsdropping? I don't wanna make love to you, you old bag, you old fridgid bag of bones. Righteous woman? God fearing? The best thing I ever had that I didn't appreciate? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Women are only good for one thing and that's to......cook.......and clean.......and take care of a man's needs.....And YOU wanted more!!! I shouldn't have let Richard die? And I should have helped you get your bowel obstruction removed? A simple operation? You're glad you died? Sick of living with me? I was the husband from hell??? Made 'Hagar the Horrible' look like a saint? Who's Hagar? I don't wanna know....he's probably some wimp that walks around in sandals like that goofy Jesus Christ. Nag...nag....nag...

"Oh dammit, I did it again! Well hello there, Jesus Christ! You old son-of-a-gun! What are you up to today? Getting ready to show me some plain truth? Oh, I saw plenty of that on earth? Delusional? Printed bullshit? Now I get the real stuff? You're taking me to where? What the hell do I want to go into the mother's room for? That's just for women with scrawling brats! You want me to see how badly I treated them? Put them down for everything? Made life hell for them? Took away their strollers because I wanted to make it harder and harder for them to attend church so I could scorn them? So I could shame them? So I could make having babies seem like a bad thing? So, Jesus Christ, what's your point? So I put some shit on them. So what? So I said mother love was a selfish love...so what!? So I made them out to be bad because they bonded with their babies? So? So what's your point, Jesus Christ? Jesus.......where'd you go?

"Hopeless? You say I'm hopeless? Shit. Who gives a damn!"

to be continued

 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" 7 by Patti (c) 1999

"Hopeless! How dare him say I'm hopeless! I know what hopeless is...its people like the dumb sheep. I got them to pay and pray...pay and pray...pay and pray...all the while I went to the bank and stashed their money. Ha ha ha ha ha.....Who are you? Do I know you? You look like a wacko!! You're from Waco? Oh, from near Big Sandy, Texas where I had one of the Ambassador College campuses. So what are you doing here? Took your followers to the promised land? Yeah? Ha ha ha ha....So your name is David? Yeah, I'm from the seed of David myself. Koresh? Oh, never heard of you! Branch Davidians? Oh, well I'm from the 'branch Herbertians', ha ha ha ha ha! So what's a Branch Davidian? Oh, used to be part of the Seventh Day Adventists. Whatda ya know David! The Worldwide Church of God was a branch off the Seventh Days too. In the old days I called my church the Radio Church of God after I left the Seventh Dayers back in Oregon. Control freaks!!!...the whole lot of them. All they wanted to do was tell me what to preach! Had to control everything! No room for creativity! So David, how come you're here? Oh, the government came after you and your group? They stopped you dead in your tracks? Your place burned to the ground at Waco? All the members too? Wow, I guess you did lead them to the promised land, David! So what are you doing here? Anybody take you around and show you the place? Ever try their pork chops? Hey David.........David...........I didn't mean to insult him. What a jerk. Hey David......where ever you are! Don't knock 'em 'till you've tried 'em......heh heh heh....

"What a loser! I never saw the likes of him before. Almost like that bunch down in Guyana and Jim Jones! Oh I did it again. Hello, I'm Herbert W. Armstrong...and who are you? Jones? Jim Jones? You brought your group here too? You took your people to their place of safety in Guyana and ended up killing them off? Not bragging about it? Sure I had a place of safety all lined up for my followers too. Petra in Jordan. Yeah, that's right...in the desert. Sure they would have followed me there. They would have gone anywhere I told them to go and done anything I told them to do. Just like your followers, Jim. Except I made sure I had them tithe, didn't force them to live with me. Hell, who'd what a bunch of losers for company!!!! I had world leaders eating out of my hands! Didn't you ever see my pictures with them? Never saw my magazines, the 'Plain Truth' and my 'World Tomorrow' program on TV? Oh you did see them? Full of shit? Jim! How can you say that about me? I preached the same stuff you did! And I did it long before you did and had a lot more people believing me than you did! How can you say I was full of shit? Oh because now you know that you were full of shit too. Oh. I see. They've gotten to you here too, huh Jim? Jim....where the hell did he go? Can't stand to see how I was more successful than he was! What a creep!!!

"Speaking of creeps...here comes that damn Joe Tkach again. And he's still crying. Hey Joe, what are you blubbering about this time? You're feeling bad because you can't find your black Cadillac? Well, well, well, things aren't going so good for you here? They were until I reminded you that I am the apostle now, and you're back to being an evangelist? Oh I demoted you to pastor? Heh heh heh, and your flock ran off somewhere and you can't find 'em. I'll just have to call you 'little Joe Peep' then won't I Joe....Joe? Hey Joe, can't you even take a joke?

"It sure is a strange place here. Run into all these weirdos and has-beens and here I am still an apostle. I can't imagine how they can all be so wimpy. I built an empire right out of nothing and made an impact like few others ever did in their short life time. I built the Ambassador Auditorium in Pasadena and the campus, and look at all the good things I did with my life. I had a lot of fun. What'da ya mean at other people's expense? Who are you? What do you mean I'm an imposter? That I claimed to be Elijah......so what! Oh, so you're the real Elijah? And when you go back to earth everybody will know who you are and you''ll clear up any of the damage I did to your reputation! Yeah, yeah, yeah....so what! Dammit! Can't get away with anything!

"I still can't find headquarters. I'll have to try this road and see where it leads me....I hope I don't run into any more kooks! I can hardly stand these ultra-humble characters. Elijah. Ha. Next thing you know I'll have John the Baptist on my case! Oh, I better look out or he'll show up! If I keep my mouth shut I won't get into trouble? Oh, its you Trechak! I might have known I couldn't have a day without you coming around to harrass me and make my life miserable. Oh, so think its about time that I have to look at the reality of what I've done and make amends? So which rock you been hidin' under John? You just got here and you're trying to tell me how things are to be? Better get wiser young man. I've got a lot more experience than you....and you know it. Yeah, John...I know you know just about everything about me because you've been researching me for years....Get a life, John. Don't you have anything better to do than follow me around? You saw me talking to several different people today? Oh, so now you're going to write about me in that damn paper of yours? No? You quit publishing it? Oh yeah, I forgot John. You're here on this side now. You're going to start a new publication called the 'REAL Plain Truth'. Dammit John, do something original at least!

"So you think I've got some amends to make, huh John? Just what do you mean, repent? Don't you know that I have nothing to repent of, John? I even talked with Jesus Christ and he seems to think this is not possible. Hopeless is the word he used, John. A hopeless case. He said that I got caught up in my own lies and that I am delusional, believing some of them myself. So what amends could I possibly make? It was God's will, John. I swear it. Everything I ever did, was God's will. What'da ya mean I'm not God and that it was Herbert W. Armstrong's will not God's. And what makes you think I'll ever tell you what the "W" stands for in my name. Herbert Will Armstrong.....Herbert Won't Armstrong.....hey John......this is fun. I can be anybody I want to be and nobody can tell me what to do. Shut up? What makes you think you can tell me to shut up, John? You just did it because you wanted to? You've wanted to say that to me for a long time, John? There's a lot more you want to say to me but you're not that profane? Just shut up, John. You're not taking orders any more? I'm just a fat old fart? Stop laughing, John. I'm not that fat. I'm not that old either......I stink? This conversation is going nowhere, John."

to be continued

 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" 8 by Patti (c) 1999

"This place is really bugging me! Nobody knows WHO I AM! I have to tell them over and over again. Its really a damn shame. I come here to set up God's kingdom and nobody gives a damn. Jesus Christ! What a job. I don't know where to start. What an enormous task! I've got so much work to do and have to start from scratch. Sound like I'm on my pity pot? Says who? Oh, its you again, Jesus Christ. I'm no martyr? And you are? Never meant to be, you say? It was just a set-up? The Romans needed a martyr so they crucified you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't you think I had to READ the Bible in order to preach all those years!!!! So tell me something I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! I should've read the ancient texts from the far east? There's stories in there that really had some SHOCK VALUE? Like what, Jesus christ??? Like what? Don't you think I told enough BIG ONES??? You wish I could have read Professor Hassnain's *book, about his search for the historical Jesus and I'd know what you mean? He wrote the real plain truth? He was a REAL scholar who searched for years, not an in-depth six month study of only ONE book? He searched all across the lands of Persia, Afghanistan, Central Asia and India? Found docummented proof you traveled those places and they're recorded in the ancient texts? So when did you have time for that? You mean that even the rest of the Christians got their information screwed up long before I came along!!!?

"THE HELL YOU SAY!!!! THE HELL YOU SAY!!!! You mean to tell me you weren't even a Christian? You were a Jew!!! Oh Yeah! Well, I never thought of it THAT WAY!!!! You tellin' me you were trained by yogi's in the east? Learned how to shut down your body's functions to almost nothing? Coulda fooled lotsa people...Glad you had a good buddy, Joseph of Arimathaea from your Essene brotherhood....Are you telling me that the Romans made a martyr out of you so they could convert a bunch of people into their ways, NOT your ways? Now I'm confused. An old trick of martyrs and saviors? Like Hoodeeny? Magic tricks? Convince them they need to be saved and then provide a savior? The Romans made you into their skapegoat? Tricked the people into believing they needed your blood sacrifice to be saved....now I AM confused, Jesus Christ!

"So I shudda been the martyr except that Joe Tkach started rewriting my masterpiece, 'Mystery of the Ages', right after I came here, and he started messing with my doctrines. Instead of holding to my teachings he got rid of them like so much garbage and started preaching watered down swill. Yeah I guess some believers hung on to my stuff. Rod, Gerald, Bill....and where did it get them....yeah, you guessed....disfellowshipped and marked. Sometimes my own rules backfired on those who were relatively true to my doctrines. Oh well, Jesus Christ, I guess we both got our stuff messed with after our exit. Oh, the HELL you say!!! More to your story than what the Bible says? A prolonged stay? Can't believe a book that's been tampered with? Almost as fictional as my autobiography? I should read the Dead Sea Scrolls and Nag Hammadi Library? An in depth study--HERE? In the hall of records and knowledge? Is that near headquarters? Not the HEADQUARTERS I'm looking for? And its not all about ME! Says who? Oh, you! Well, well, well, you keep stealing my thunder Jesus Christ, so I need to relate it to my own dilema. Pity pot? What the hell is a pity pot?

"So you're telling me that you went to earth to teach unconditional love? And that God is love. Am I supposed to know what that means? So what that I told the people that they had to EARN their salvation with WORKS...yeah, so what? Beats the hell outa them thinking they had it made in the shade and didn't have to tithe to get into the kingdom. Then what the hell would I do to buy jet fuel? Work? Not a chance!!! Shoulda taught them to love themselves? You have to be kidding! That bunch of losers!!!! Not even MOTHER'S LOVE could stomach the dumb sheep! Bah...bah...bah...bah

"Whatda ya mean I don't listen? I listen plenty!!! I just don't like what I hear! Claimed the plain truth and preached the plain crap? Jesus. For shame! Coming out of your mouth!!! Better than living in delusion? You know, Jesus Christ, you weren't the focus of attention in MY CHURCH!!! I put you up on a pedestal as God number two, but then ignored you completely! And as for the Holy Spirit, that son-of-a-gun was no more than an 'it'. I can't help but laugh when I remember how I made everybody cross out 'he' and 'him' in their Bibles and write in 'it'!! And the idiots did it! What the hell do you mean I don't have a clue about the Holy Spirit? Boo boo to you too Holy GHOST!!!! Boo, did I scare you? Ha ha ha ha ha

"You're not laughing? I robbed people of their Holy Spirit? The unpardonable sin? Blaspheme of the Holy Spirit.....yeah, yeah, yeah...I know all that....remember I wrote the BOOKLETS. Whatda ya mean those goddam booklets? Jesus Christ! How can you talk that way? Don't you know that God can hear you and.....Shut up? How dare you tell me to shut up! Duck tape? I don't believe you!!! Mmmm Org mumpf asfmmm....

"THAT WASN'T FUNNY!!!! Made me listen to your damn sermon for two hours! How do you expect me to listen that long? Oh, because I made my followers listen to all those boring sermons. This is only the first of how many HUNDRES OF HOURS I'll have to listen to? So God's time isn't measured like earth time? A day is as a thousand years? So how many hours is that, Jesus? How many?

"And whatda ya mean everybody's got the Holy Spirit? Without my permission!? Whatda ya mean that being true to the Holy Spirit means being true to self? Whatda ya mean that blaspheme of the Holy Spirit is self-betrayal? What a bunch of bullshit, Jesus Christ, are you a heretic too? Oh! According to the church you would be? Humm...interesting...

to be continued.....

*"A Search for the Historical Jesus" by Professor Fida M. Hassnain, Gateway Books, Bath, 1994, ISBN 0 946551 99 5


 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" 9 by Patti (c) 1999

"What is the Unpardonable sin? You asking me, Jesus Christ? I'm sure you're going to tell me now that you've got me as your captive audience. Just deserts? Collectively speaking, if I have to pay my karmic debt I'll be sitting here listening to you longer than YOU could stand being with me? More than one millenium would pass? I'd better listen the first time? You gonna fill me with that spiritual crap now? Shut up? You certainly don't show any respect to God's apostle, Jesus Christ. Duck tape? No, no. I'll shut up and listen.

"We are more than just personalities living on earth, you say? We're sojourners and come from the spirit world where our roots run deeper than our physical ones...ya mean being the seed of David is not big deal? It was for you in your incarnation, but I was a weed seed? Not nice to say, Jesus Christ. Not nice at all. Shut up so you can go have some pork chops for lunch? You too, huh? You buying?

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're the children of God. I preached that myself!! But there's more to it than that? The core of our being is the holy spirit inside us? That life force is a spark of life like a chip off the old great spirit, God? No. I never heard any such thing before. Must be some New Age jargon! Yeah I saw it in the Bible but I didn't preach that God is within. So what you're telling me is that the dumb sheep didn't need me to tell them anything because they have God's spirit inside of them and that's what the Bible meant when it said that the 'kingdom of God is within'? So God speaks to everyone? So explain that one, Jesus Christ! I can hardly wait! That should be a good one. And you think I told whoppers!!! Whada ya mean we're made in his image and if God is love then we're made by and in the image of love? Talk ENGLISH man! Talk English! I haven't got a clue what you're saying.

"The Bible's all fiction!!! You said it was full of fiction!!! Oh, now you tell me that some of it was true, just like in my autobiography. And both were deliberate attempts to slant the truth!!! Sure, Jesus Christ. Anything you say, Jesus Christ. Now can we go have those pork chops? I'm starved!!!

"So you have to throw it up in my face that the dumb sheep were STARVED to learn about God and all I fed them was bullshit! They were STARVED for truth and all I gave them was a little tin god, an imposter...an arrogant runt of a man? Now you're insulting me!!! I wasn't THAT small!!! My image was bigger than life, but the plain truth was that I was like an inflated baloon? All hot air? And you, Jesus Christ, are the expert, of course! Just rub it in! Just keep pulling down my self esteem? I wrote the book on that too? Aw shit.

"So whatda ya want me to do about it? Put on a furry red suit and pass out packages to the grubby little monsters clamoring for presents? So, you think I look more like Scrooge McDuck playing in his money bins? A similar personality? A similar life's goal? Sound like him too? Quack! Whatda ya mean quack?

"No respect. I don't get no respect! This place is disgusting!! I'd rather be anyplace but here! Oh Jesus Christ!!! Now where the hell am I? I said it? Hell? I created my own? A state of being? Can't see the light? Darkness can't perceive the light? Who turned out the lights? Where in the devil am I? You've been waiting for me? Oh oh.....

"Whatda ya mean, even THAT was bullshit? No lake of fire? Are my toes hot yet? Stop harassing me! Whatda ya mean I could dish it out but can't even take a joke!? There really is no lake of fire? Wouldn't make any sense to have a place to burn things up when nothing of spirit can be destroyed? So you're telling me that the burning hellfire is the anguish of the spirit? That the agonizing truth can be very painful? And sometimes we live in delusion and denial and have to repeat our lessons until we get it? Get what? I don't get it? And who are you? Can't see a damn thing in here!!!

"You again!!!! John Trechak! Thank God its you! For a minute there I thought I was in hell and you were the devil. You're not, are you John? Stop laughing!!!! If I didn't believe my own lies I wouldn't be in the dark? Now you've got me confused, John. There is a dimensial plane where the evil sons of Belial exist in their vileness? No turning back? Only those with no hope go there? You mean I have a chance to turn things around, John? You'd never believe the things I've learned since I've been here! Completely contrary to everything I ever thought was true. Like a revelation? Yeah, John. Some of the stuff people have told me just never occured to me. I shudda studied more than just ONE book. Who's Belial, John? Read more books, John?

"Oh, of course I remember I told the dumb sheep that secular knowledge was not true because it was'nt God's truth. Yeah, I guess I did forbid them to seek out information because I told them that God worked only through me. If I hadn't written it, then it wasn't inspired by God because I'm his apostle...There I go again? Where to this time, John? I just don't get it.

"Come on, John, lets go eat. You're sicka pork chops? Want some shrimp? No, you've been hanging around shrimps and all they do is whine? Sure John, we'll have a hearty steak if you wish! Steak and wine! Went right over my head? Because it's so close to the ground? Now you're hitting below the belt, John. You wouldn't go there? Where wouldn't you go, John? John? Now where the hell did he go? Said he couldn't stomach me anymore. Like I want to associate with expo-saint! Saint JohnTrechak, the expo-saint. Kinda has a ring to it. I'll have to remember that the next time I see him.

"You again? Jesus Christ!! Taking a group for another training session? You want me to hurry up and follow you? Follow you, Jesus? Ha! Like the Pied Piper? Just follow you around like a blind fool? I am a blind fool? That's not nice. Not nice at all to call your apostle a blind fool. The plain truth is the plain truth? Sure, Jesus Christ, whatever you say. Please, no more duck tape! Yeah, its a deal!! If I couldn't talk I'd explode, especially here in this strange place. I can't think of anything worse than duck tape....Oh? You have plenty of things that are worse, like fasting? I made my followers fast and pray? How many days do I have to fast? Oh shit! I should have settled for duck tape.

to be continued.....

 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" 10 by Patti (c) 1999

"Constipation of the brain, diarrhea of the mouth, he said. What an e-val by the great Jesus Christ himself! Said he never wrote a word himself, but is quoted and misquoted all over the place, and that I did my own running amuck from the mouth and the written word! That I deserve all the bad press because I claimed truth and had none of it! At least he was kidding me about the forty days and forty nights of fasting! Don't think I could have stood it that long! Its no fun to be hungry and thirsty. I still don't like it here any better than I did before.

"I wonder what all that commotion is over there. Guess I'll have to go ask somebody. Hey Joe Tkach, what's up? Do I hear the wailing and knashing of teeth? Yeah, so who's bellaching now? Where's that coming from? Oh, the other side? The hell you say!!! So who's the dumb sheep that's praying now? Mike Tyson? He's repented of all his sins and promises he'll never bite anybody again if only his children won't be like him? So you think we're off the hook again, Joe? Think God will spare us from being born black? You know being a descendant of the seed of David insures a pure race, Joe. Lets us pray that we ...Joe? Mike is thanking God? Was really worried? Off the hook? Pretty good deal he cut, huh? Hey Joe, where'd you go? He's got other plans for us? Wants to see me about "Pagan Holidays or God's Holy Days"? Where'd he get the idea I'd look good in red? No Joe! I'm not riding in a sleigh with flying reindeer! Think I'm nuts? Joe? Joe? Oh dammit, Joe. Get up off the ground! Only Trechak rolls around in the tulips! You were only kidding? Not funny, Joe. Not funny at all. Stop laughing!!!!

"Black, white, red, yellow, brown....all the same? Color isn't important? We're all the same color inside? What color is spirit, Jesus Christ? Since you've horned in on Joe and me thought I'd pick your brain! Not a matter of color? Skin isn't important but our spirit is? More jargon, Jesus Christ! Just a bunch of religious jargon!!!! Universal truths, not religion. What the hell are you talking about? Universal truths? So name one. I wouldn't understand yet? And why not? Don't you know I'm God's apostle and came here to set up his kingdom? Delusional? A nice word for being full of shit? Gotta start over back in the basics before I can go on to meatier things like universal laws? Still suckin' the bottle? Hardly contain milk? Oh that Diarrhea business again!!!! That's what I told the dumb sheep and now I'm one! How dare you, Jesus Christ, compare me to my lowly followers! Whatda ya mean I ain't no 'good shepherd'! And you think you are, Jesus Christ?

"I was given the ten commandments and couldn't even keep them? Yeah, so what? Does anybody keep them? Oh, they do? Learn something every day? So tell me another of these so-called 'truths'!! God? Just one God? Not two? So Christians aren't supposed to put you on the pedestal, Jesus Christ, just God the Creator? Oh, I see. Hum. So tell me more! You already did when you told me about the spark of God dwelling within each human being. OH! Yeah! I didn't know that was THAT important! Everyone has the God-given right to truth? That's one of the universal laws? Oh. And I screwed up their ability to seek truth by turning them outside instead of in? Huh? Say that again!!!

"Oh, you're telling me that everyone has access to the truth inside themself? Since everyone is created from a spark of God, God's truth dwells within them? Interesting concept. Sure wouldn't bring in any tithe money though if they thought they didn't need me to preach to 'em! Doesn't pay to even try to educate me? Dense? Dunce! Try to steal everyone's crown! Yeah! I used to warn 'em. "Don't let anyone steal your crown" and it was so funny to hear them mimic me! All the while I was 'stealing their crown'? Yeah, guess I was, old buddy, old pal, Jesus Christ! Not your buddy? Not your pal? You'd like to crown me? The old fashioned way? Throw the book at me? Not a nice attitude, Jesus. Not a nice attitude at all towards God's apostle!!!

"I shoulda told them about their Chakras? That their crown was their crown chakra? And miss all the fun of watching them squirm? They would have thought they walked around with antennas coming out of their heads if I'd told them that! Would have been more accurate than what I told them? Some good things were revealed in eastern religions and not in Christianity? A whole bunch of chakras throughout the body? Normal body parts? Nothing exotic about them? Functional energy centers? Lots of good books on the subject. Oh yeah, I only read ONE BOOK. Back to the library?

"You'd tell me more of the universal truths if I wasn't such an idiot? How dare you? I'm living proof? Life after death, not soul sleep? Oh I figured THAT out already! I wonder if the rest of the flock is sleeping someplace or running around looking for headquarters like I am.....You mean then that I was wrong about all those resurrections? So now I have to rethink all that I preached? Really are many dimensions of existance, not just one or two? So I wasn't dreaming after all? That's like another dimension? Oh? Just another reality? So the physical life is like a dream? Nightmare sometimes!!!! And THIS IS REALITY???? Oh SHIT! I miss my jet!!!!

"I'm no better than anybody else? We were all created equal? I don't deserve to have a jet paid for by so many poor people. I'll have to learn to travel more modestly? Like walk? Power of thought? What's that? Like when I say somebody's name and they are right here? I was beginning to notice that myself. About time I lifted out of the dense fog? I've heard enough for awhile or I'll explode!!!! Of course I remember the verse about the old wine skins! Can't put new wine into an old wine skin or it will burst!? So what's your point, Jesus Christ? Why are you pulling your hair out? What do you mean frustrated? You think you're frustrated!!! Just look at me standing here, hungry and tired, and you're telling me all this stuff I don't understand and don't give a damn about! Oh, I'd better give a damn if I don't want to cross over to that other side? You mean with what's-his-name, not to mention names of course! I learned that much already since I got here! Tomorrow's another day? You'll try again when you have regained your composure? I'm a hard nut to crack? No respect, Jesus Christ! God's apostle gets no respect....

to be continued......

 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" 11 by Patti (c) 1999

"Whatda ya mean its time to go to headquarters? Who says? Who do you think YOU are giving ME orders? Oh, its you, Jesus Christ! You plan on taking me somewhere, huh? Oh, I am to see some of God's real government in action? And just what do you mean by that? Oh, there is a hierachy of spirits in charge? One of the laws you were telling me about, huh. So I suppose they are ready for me to set up the kingdom now. So lets get going. Oh, it has nothing to do with setting up the kingdom? There is already a kingdom established? God has had HIS kingdom functioning since long before I even mislead thousands of people down the path of lies? Whada ya mean mislead? Let God be the judge of that? You saying that I'm no more than an minor tyrant compaired to the powerful spirits I'm about to meet. Do I get to take a lawyer with me? Whatda ya mean I don't have a case! Whatda ya mean things here are handled with complete knowledge of all the misdeed that have been done to everyone involved! There IS NO ESCAPE?????

"Enough! I tell you, ENOUGH!!!! I can't TAKE anymore! Stop parading all these children in front of me who claim I stole their childhood, caused their parents to be mean abusive tyrants!!! Stop them! I can't listen to their sniffling any more! I have NO CHOICE? Since I forced them to spend their childhoods listening to me and my ministers drone on and on and deprive them of friendships, loving relationships with their parents and in many cases downright abuse, including sexual and physical abuse, not to even mention emotional and spiritual, I have to endure this and face every single one of them? Every jot and tittle of abuse that was caused on account of my doctrines has to be accounted for, brought to the LIGHT and EXPOSED to the entire world!!!!???? Each and every infraction of God's law of love? What the hell is God's law of love?

"I should know? Unconditional love of God is what the law of cause and effect is about? I should have known that since I preached it over fifty years? An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth? I have to suffer the pain of each and every one of my victims in order for me to balance my karma? And just what do you mean I'll have plenty of time to repent because I have etenal life to do it in? Its either God's way or I can go for a one way ticket to Belial? And from there there really is no turning back? A generous offer you say? Considering how hideously destructive my doctrines were and the severe damage it did, especially to the children forced to grow up in the Worldwide Church of God under my UNGODLY laws?

"So you're really going to SOCK IT TO ME aren't you Jesus Christ!!! Oh, you're copping out now and saying you're 'just the messenger'......ha ha ha ha....where have I heard that before. Damn ministers used to blubbler to me all the time....'I'm just the messenger', please don't put me out of the church for reporting to you..blah....blah....blah... And now you're pulling the same crap!!! Its not crap? Its the WAY IT IS here and I've been given my choices? Do I want to meet with Belial and see how I'd like it in HIS kingdom? Sure.

"Greetings to you in the name of....well...uh...I'm Herbert W. Armstrong, founder and Pastor General of God's one true church on the planet earth, and God's one and only twentieth century apostle! Whatda ya mean what about Joe Tkach? The hell with him, he was only at MY post by default! Anyway, I'm glad to meet you and your....... Who the hell are they? All those dense, dark, vile looking............. Your government officials? Oh? I can join them if I want to serve UNDER THEIR AUTHORITY? I wouldn't have ANY say? I'm NOBODY here? Laughing stock? Entertainment?? They thrive on jackasses like me to entertain them and cater to THEIR whims? They'd enjoy playing with me, especially cat and mouse! I get to be MOUSE? Mental anguish and torture for what I've done? No means to repent and change here? Will eternally reject God and live in complete DARKNESS? Would I like to stay? ......................Oh God!

"Since I called on God there is still a shred of hope for me because I recognize God exists? I have HIS ETERNAL LOVE FOR ME to thank for my opportunity at FREE WILL? Its my choice? I can go either way but cannot STAY undecided?? Well, I guess you can bring me the next bunch of losers that I messed up. I don't like Belial and his gang of henchmen. Reminds me of Rod and a few others I trained so well to be like me. This ain't gonna be easy. I've been this way for a long, long time. Oh you KNOW THAT already and are sick of my whining! Ain't seen nothin' yet?

"Who are these gaunt women staring at me? They look like SCARECROWS!!! They're like that because I wouldn't let them wear make up? Who said that? Oh, its you John! Trechak, don't you have anything better to do than to interfere in MY repentance? No? Getting your jollies? Makes YOUR life of sacrifice worth your while?? Hey, Jesus, bring the BABES on again....Trechak was buggin' me....

"They are to be treated with RESPECT? Can't address them as BABES? They are misguided women who were unfortunate enough to get tangled up in my web of lies and lived with tyrant husbands who were trained to be brutes by ME and MY ministers? Brow beaten, SUBMISSIVE WOMEN who were destroyed emotionally and spiritually because they believe they had to, to please God, huh? Wasn't God's way--but was Herbert Armstrongs way! Some of them died of diseases like cancer? Could have been treated and eradicated by doctors but because of my doctrines wouldn't go for medical help...Yeah, yeah, yeah... So tell me something I don't know!!! It was God's will!!!!

"It WASN'T God's will??? I'm not convinced? God allowed those men and women of the medical profession to administer to his children ........ ALL HIS CHILDREN. It was a BLESSING God gave to HIS CHILDREN to have the medicines the earth could provide through drug therapies and treatments??? It was MY WILL and DOMINANCE that required them to SUFFER and DIE NEEDLESSLY!??? Laying it on me pretty heavy there, don't you think? Jesus? Why are you crying? Because you're so angry you'd like to do WHAT to me? Pulverize? Anger is a SIN!!!! Get your hands off my THROAT!!!!

"We are all created in the likeness and IMAGE of God? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know all that! After all, I preached the GOSPEL all my life...blah...blah...blah.... You're telling me that since we are created in God's image that GOD GETS ANGRY so therefore there is such a thing as GODLY anger? Oh.

"He's being 'Godly' angry...I'd better keep my mouth shut .... this once.

to be continued.......


 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" 12 by Patti (c) 1999

"Finally got a break from all those people staring at me with empty eyes. Haunts me!!!! I MUST find some alcohol to dull the feelings. I HATE feeling ANYTHING for ANYONE except ME, of course! Disgusting! Pitiful wretches!!! Where's the bar? Hey you over there, where's the nearest bar? Have to have an I.D. card to qualify for alcoholic beverages here? Haven't been in REFORM long enough? Would abuse the priviledge? Would use it to dull the impact of my misdeeds of the past?!!! No Shit! That's why I want to drink!!

"I'm NOT pouting!!!! DENIAL? Dammit! Everybody's judging me! Can't have no fun at all. All I get is my nose rubbed in shit. Shit, shit, shit, that's all I have here. I'm reaping what I have sewn? SHUT UP YOU MORON!!!! Who the hell are you anyway? Wearing your Halloween costume, I see? What big EYES you have!!! That ain't no costume? So you telling me I'm seeing aliens from outer space? You've got a bone to pick with me too? Called all alien life forms demons? NOT demons? Children of God from other worlds? Worlds who never heard of Herbert W. Armstrong and are mighty grateful for it, now that you MEET me? You've been trying to help the earthlings for a long time because of their ignorance due to people like ME? Kept in ignorance by government and church leaders? Dark ages? Never read Ezekiel with the same zest as the REST of Old Testament? Would have had to explain CHARIOTS? Eric von Daniken didn't write fiction!? Exposed truth? Caused people to think?

"Shit. I must be dreaming and having another nightmare! Now I'm seeing aliens and worse than that......talking with them. I preached and preached that all things of a spiritual nature and all things like UFOs were demons. It was easier to have them all believe that, than to explain all the strange stuff that goes on in the world. Like ESP....called it influence by Satan. Now that goofy clown told me its one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Bah Humbug!!! If I'd have let 'em believe that these were gifts of God, then I couldn't claim their inner voice was of Satan the devil. So now they're ON to me and I see I have to deal with all these spirits and aliens.....Shit. I can't fool anybody here. They've got the truth. The plain and simple truth. Not the perverted bullshit I preached. But of course, I'll never admit to that to anyone. This is only my personal thinking. At least no one can read my thoughts.

"Whadda ya mean telepathic? Not one single thought goes uncensored here? Jesus Christ! Here you are again, freaking me out! You're kidding, of course! You're NOT KIDDING!!!!? How the hell can I exist with everyone knowing my THOUGHTS? Should have seen that in the Bible too? Wasn't all fiction. Some important truths recorded for posterity..... Especially since I ignored the GOOD STUFF? Whadda ya mean I zeroed in on all the negative crap I could find and then twisted it on top of that for my own purposes? Especially the SUBMISSION OF WOMEN!!! So? They are inferrior!!! Made in the image of EVE. MOTHER EVE!!! Punished eternally for causing ADAM to sin!

"I've got a lot to learn about THAT too? Not ready to hear about the beginnings of the FIVE root races of mankind including WOMANKIND! Advanced knowledge? I'm still in diapers?? Haven't been weened from the tit yet? Drink more milk? Got MILK? I'm thirsty. Can't get a beer or whiskey, so Got milk? NO! I'm NOT kidding. So Jesus Christ, tell me about the five root races! This autta be good! So this planet has been here more than six thousand years? The hell you say!!! Billions and billions???? Meet Carl Sagan sometime because now he's here too? He's on a much higher plane than me? Got a better track record than me? Would I believe it if you told me that the five races came here in separate pairs, not all out of 'Adam and Eve' as I taught my followers? And they were five different races? All equal in the eyes of God? Seeded by aliens from outer space I suppose you're going to tell me next!! I can't stand it!!! I just can't stand it!!! I've got to have some whiskey!!!! I can't stand to hear all this bullshit!!! What do you mean I wouldn't recognize the truth if it hit me in the face because I've lived with so much nonsence!!!?????

"Whadda ya mean I figured something out all by myself!!!??? Jesus Christ! Are you telling me that that guy in the Halloween costume wasn't really wearing a costume? Are you telling me that there are all kinds of God's children throughout the universe and that earth is just one of the planets that is inhabited? Some of my book, 'Mystery of the Ages', wasn't as fictional as I thought it was? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? Oh that I alluded to God's unlimited ability to create wonders we did not understand? Oh.

"Could have understood more if the piles of bullshit had not been layed on so thick! Not just my WORK but many other half-cocked religious nuts? Truth is coming to light now because its the end of the patriachal era? Don't tell me WOMEN are going to take over the world? Oh, they're not. Their reign was destroyed in order for the men to have their reign? Witch hunts? Inquisition? Whole villages purged of women accused of witchcraft when all they were doing was healing with herbs, oils and spices..... What do you mean, like I condemned doctors and forbade people to seek medical treatment..... Now its time for the insanity to end? But it just started here, Jesus Christ! Its just started. I have to face all the crap from my eighty plus years of abusing God's people. Now I'm 'gettin' it' ???????

"Shoulda read more than just the Bible? Some secular history books record events on planet earth...especially recent publications like that one about *'the dark side of Christian history'? Took a woman to write about it? Not a good track record? There've been many genocides in the name of God? Not just Hitler and the Jews, but throughout the world from time long since forgotten? The inquisition, the invasion of the continents of the Americas and the killing of the indigenous people, the so-called 'Indians'. On and on it goes. The list is endless? Not just the Irish Catholics and Protestants, but scores of battles fought needlessly. Humans just don't know any better than to stop fighting? God will put an end to it? Reveal the truth? We're entering the fifth age? Sorta like the world tomorrow coming, but NOT. Can't go on like this? Changes coming? Surprises that will upset the world as we know it, but not destroy it?

"Should read the prophecy of the White Buffalo Calf Woman? A sign of the times? Other prophecies really did come true, unlike mine? There was a white buffalo calf born on August 20, 1994 in Janesville, Wisconsin just as the prophecy said would happen?...Check it out you say? It was born white, and turned red, brown and yellow, and when it turns white again it will already be a time of world peace? Each color of the buffalo indicates one of the four ages of mankind and we're just completing the fourth? The prophecy also said that three days after this buffalo calf was born its father would die signalling the death of the patriarchy... And you say he did die? And if YOU believe THAT Jesus Christ, I have a bridge to sell you!! I don't own any bridges to sell anyone? Burned all of mine? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah....take me so damn serious all the time!

*"The Dark Side of Christian History" by Helen Ellerbe, Morningstar Books, 1995, ISBN 0-9644873-4-9

to be continued

 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" 13 by Patti (c) 1999

"Argh!!! Buffalo chips! Dammit! I already did a six month in depth study of the Bible! Who wants to READ? NOT ME! I should read? EVERYBODY SHOULD READ? Just because I caused people to be NOT able to read from the MIND CONTROL, doesn't mean that we should not at least TRY????? Many libraries here now on this plane? Not filled with all the crap like I wrote in my magazines and booklets? The truth is everywhere, but sometimes hidden? Nature is a great teacher of truth? What the hell does THAT mean?

"Oh, I'm supposed to go lookin' under rocks now I suppose and watch ants? They are more honest than ME? Could learn a lot from them? And you call me nuts, Jesus Christ???!!! You were'nt kidding. Truth? Too dense to undertand God created nature in and of himself? God is all in all? Bible had some things right on? I didn't emphasize the simple plain truth? Are you done with your harangue? Haven't seen anything yet? Only just begun? Now what???

"Since I asked, you have some more people who want to see me? They were men in the Worldwide Church of God that abused their wives and children and have been here because they either died a natural death or committed suicide. So what do they want to see me for? They blame me for bringing out the worst possible human characteristics in them? They stopped listening to their own conscience and began to listen to me? I told them their conscience was the voice of the devil? Couldn't trust Satan? Must shut off voices...all except mine and ministers. They have much repenting to do now because they got caught up in my bullshit religion!? It was not a church but a cult just like so many other cults out there in the world...I used the same techniques that Hitler used to subdue and control his people to do his ungodly bidding for him.... totalitarianism, terrorism, assault and battery on all levels of mind, body, spirit and emotion... Now these men have to FEEL AGAIN TOO just like I DO? They can't drown their pain in booze either? Have to FEEL IT and live IN IT? Just like all thier victims had to live with their abuse in the world?

"You weren't done telling me about the equality of beings throughout the universe? A web of life? Everything is connected? The hip bone's connected to the leg bone....la la la....the knee bone's connected to the shoulder bone....la la la... ha ha ha SHUT UP? Jesus Christ, I always thought you were some wimpy womanish wretch of a man, and here you are bellowing out orders and telling me to......SHUT UP!!!! Oh keep your sandals on!! I'm listening. Can't quite stomach that hair though. Its past the neckline of your robe! Should get it cut. SHUT UP? You don't give a damn about long hair? Stupid doctrine? Made it up? STIFLE MYSELF OR I'LL BE BALD, SHORTER AND WHAT???? Oh, Jesus Christ, you wouldn't take THAT away...not yet anyway!!! ? Would you?

"Sometimes I'm better off not knowing? Fate? What do you mean, born again? Oh we're back to threats again? Not a threat? A promise? No woman willing to bear me? Not even as a newborn? May have to spend a long long time in re-training with YOU? You don't always like your job either? Gonna get help? Can't take any more shit from me? Can't stand listening to my diarrhetic mouth? Prolific producer of rhetoric... replusive...redundant...rhetoric flowing out of orifaces like raw sewage...

"Now I'm feeling picked on. Tip of the iceberg? Makes the Titanic sinking look like a pebble in the water? You need a break, Jesus Christ? So lets do lunch. Is that all I can think about is carnal needs? Yeah. So?

"Well. He couldn't stomach me, he said. Had to go for some R & R to get his batteries recharged. He said while he's gone I should think about D & R, not R & R. Divorce and Remarriage doctrines I set up for the Worldwide Church of God brethren. Said I was a cruel son of a bitch to make people who loved each other and were married, separate because they'd been married before and divorced. Said that I kept the doctrine so that I could control people and get them to submit to me, that God would have allowed them to separate from their abusive mates, or mistake marriages. He told me that God divorced Israel and that God knew when it was time to give up on a hopeless union. He told me God's love is beyond measure and that love does not require pain and suffering, but I did with my stupid doctrines. He also told me that I screwed my own marriage vows sacrilegiously because I let Loma die in misery, and failed to get her medical help, and that all the other people that died because of their absolute obedience to me, were on my conscience too. He also reminded me of all the interracial couples I forced to separate because of my bigotry. Told me God never forbade the races to intermarry, that was MY law and not God's. Told me I had to suffer all the pain each of these people suffered even if it takes me through the whole new millennium plus a few more. I guess he really is pissed off at me....

"Oh well...I coulda gone to hell. So I guess I'll just mosey on down the path here and see where it leads me. What the hell is this? Stairway? Slider's enter here? I wonder what this is all about. I wonder if John Trechak knows. Hey John? You around? Whatda ya make athis? Just like on the TV show? Long after I came here? Doorway to other dimensions? Other planes? Too numerous to mention? It'll be a long time before I can flit around anyplace else. Purgatory? You say the Catholics called this place purgatory? Did you say get used to it? Could be worse? Yeah, been there too. Didn't like the 'guy in charge' or his cronies. Reminded me of my kingdom, the Worldwide Church of God. I guess I am starting to see ...

"A long way to go, John? Yeah, I suppose so. Hey, have you had breakfast yet? Wanna go for some jelly rolls or something? You're sicka me too? Spoils your appetite when you're with me? Find another sucker to listen to me whine?

"Hey Joe? Are you around? Joe Tkach, are you around? Hi Joe! Wanna go for breakfast. No, I'll buy. It's good to see you Joe. I've been having some adjustment problems. You too? Found out you've got major time to make up for brow beating your wife in the name of God? Extra time for pushing her beyond her mental capacity to endure your abuse. Will have to help all the women who'll tolerate you, to assist them in their recovery from Worldwide's abuse? That's going to be quite a chore, Joe. You'll have help? A few evangelists are floating around here too? Peons I wouldn't remember, you say. If you say so, Joe. Lets go eat."

to be continued.......

 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" 14 by Patti (c) 1999

 "Burp! Ah! That was good! Burp!! Well Joe, thanks for the treat. Haven't had heavenly pancakes like that since Loma cooked for me. You got anything lined up for you to do today? Oh, you've got a mandatory lecture series on humility. I see. Well I've got some free time, so I'll see you around, buddy. Wonder where this path leads... Since nobody has paged me I'll check it out. Interesting... Looks like an old court house... Humm... Nobody's around. I don't think anybody'd care if I just... Look at all those files!! Wonder if there's one with my name on it... Should be right here in the 'A' section... Sure enough... here it is "Herbert W. Armstrong". Humm... Look what we have here! They plan to sign me up for consecutive lecture series on developing humility, reversing narcissism, eradicating sex addiction, alcoholism, sociopathy, arrogance, and rehabilitation therapy for delusion busting, and hypnotic trance therapy, appropriate manners instruction, and Pied Piper complex therapy... humm ...I wonder what all this means? Oh, it means I'm going to be very, very busy? And who are you? Keeper of the assignments... Oh, do you have a name?

"What am I doing here? I'm snooping! What are you doing here? Your job... Oh, I see. And what job is that? Making sure all residents are assigned to their appropriate educational programs. I see... And when do I start? I've already started the informal part of the series called, 'random contact and socialization with fellow residents'. Oh. I see. And it was random that I ran into Jesus Christ and Saint Pete? Intentional? Oh, you telling me they can lower their frequencies and come to this plane but don't live here? Anybody on a higher plane can come here to 'visit' but anyone assigned here cannot go to a higher vibrational level. Oh, so what does that mean?

"You're telling me everything is energy? Naw... Electrical? How so? Just like radio frequencies? Every plane of existance or world operates on its own 'frequency'? Hum? Like a humming bird beating its wings... can't hardly see them... so when they stop you see wings, when they are in motion you don't. The faster the speed, the less you see. Like a fan on high speed, the blades disappear? Yeah. I see. So the reason we don't see those on higher planes is because their energy operates on a higher frequency? Something like that... Unhuh... Uh, Where did you go? Hey you!!! Come back here!!! Oh, you're still here I just couldn't see you because you raised your frequency again and then disappeared. You didn't disappear really? I just couldn't see you at a higher frequency like the fan blade or wings on the humming bird. Humm... Too bad I didn't think of that. I could have written booklets on it... No more booklets? Wasted enough of earth's forests on junk mail? Single handedly destroyed acres and acres... No respect. Dammit. I don't get no respect!!! I don't like it here!!!

"What the hell? Now where am I? All I said was I don't like it here and now I'm gone someplace else and everything is changed. I'm getting a taste of thought response activation? Better get used to it? The modus operandi here!!! Wow!!! Oh its you again, Jesus Christ. Lowered yourself to my level here, huh? Just the frequency you say? Yeah. Now I get it. Wish I'd catch on to other principles as fast? Hard headed? Some stuff is more important than others, you say? Some things a matter of physics and some things a matter of choice. I'm to work on matters to redeem good standing with God? You mean there really is a God? I WAS beginning to wonder. After all, I AM DELUSIONAL. Elective Delusionalism? Hope to cure it, huh?

"More people here to confront me? Lined up outside? Who are these people? I never met them before. They all wear funny robes like yours... and funny hair... need hair cuts too! All of those people from the Bible that I dishonored by my doctrines? Saints Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Jezebel, and Mary Magdalene to name a few? Mary has something she wants to tell me? She wasn't the harlot and slut I made her out to be? Oh, so Mary, what were you then? You were Jesus companion and you loved each other very much... I don't know anything about real love? There was another woman who was a harlot and I liked confusing your attributes with hers? Well, EXCUUUUUSE ME!!!

"Yeah. There I go again with my arrogant outbursts! So sue me!!! Ok, ok...I'll back off. What are you here for? Because I twisted the scriptures to back up my twisted dogma? Insult to their integrity? So, Jesus Christ, what is integrity? I wouldn't know because I never had any? Oh.

"So anything else you guys wanna complain about? Pitiful excuse for a preacher? Stop using their names in vane? Stop misquoting them? Stop all preaching and begin listening? Need to be educated to the REAL plain truth. Its going to be the 'painful truth' for me!!!? Everybody's going to get a taste of the 'painful truth'? Oh well, like I always said, 'no pain, no gain', heh heh heh...

"Whatda ya mean all I ever said was 'no pay, no salvation'? I never said that!!! Not in so many words anyway! Held people's soul's for ransom? Big price for something they already posessed and didn't realize it because of all my bullshit! Don't I get it? Don't I get what? I'm supposed to take responsibility for my actions? At least 'own' what I did to all these people? Admit it? Stop denying it? So Religion has been doing that for eons, why single me out to blame me? Got to stop the cycle of abuse? Could be a better world if they knew the truth, the whole truth and only truth... And you thought I WAS IDEALISTIC??

"Exactly what God wants? Everyone should be aware and live the 'love' way? Yeah, that's what I preached for years... live the way of give, not the way of get!!! Whadda ya mean I lived the way of 'gimmie, gimmie, gimmie...? I did too need a jet to get around, and a fine mansion to live in, and... You aren't buyin' it? You didn't need a jet, or fancy clothes, or fine crystal and chinaware, and a mansion and college campuses... and you preached the real truth of the kingdom of God... and even though people got a lot screwed up they still have some of the right principals you taught... Well, Jesus Christ, you've made your point, now can we go to lunch?

"Can't stomach my indifference? Can't take my abrasive attitude? Attitude adjustment school? Major training program? Only a few of the worst have had to go there? Christopher Columbus, Adolph Hitler, Napolean, Joe Tkach..etc.. and Herbert W. Armstrong!!!? Joe passed with flying colors? Got him in right away because it wasn't going to take as long as me? Had to provide long term arrangements for me? Some of the others had a bad attitude about sharing the program with me? Wanted to graduate before I got in? So there's an opening waiting for me? Oh, good grief!

to be continued...

 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" 15 by Patti (c) 1999

"Whadda ya mean Armageddon? Whadda ya mean I'm going to learn first hand? Whadda ya mean its my turn? Oh oh!! I'm in big trouble now!!! Yeah, that's what I just said, Jesus Christ. I'm in big trouble now!! I'm facing a total transformation of my spirit? That's what armageddon is all about? What about all those scarey guys on horse back? The ones from the book of Revelation? Symbolic? Armageddon is a rise in consciousness? I have a long way to go? The only way to go is 'up' or to the viper pit with Belial? That's what all these programs here are for, to help me get to a higher consciousness? Oh.

"That was more bullshit I preached... to scare the hell out of people... so I could control them and insure their tithes coming in to my coffers. Scrooge? Made scrooge look like a nice guy? What the dickens you talking about? Oh, its you again!? Do I want to go for a little journey with you? No. Not really. I'm going anyway? Where to this time, Chuck? A lot of 'Tiny Tim's' in my wake? See the damages they suffered because of my damned dogma? Parental abuses, beatings, robbed of their childhoods, lived in poverty because their parents had no money left after tithing to me, ostrasized from society because they were weird, couldn't celebrate holidays, stole Christmas, birthdays, any kind of recognition to demean them as human beings, allowed sexual abuses, mental abuses, spiritual abuses, emotional abuses, destroyed their will to live...etc.... So this is my wake?

"All these ragamuffins come to my funeral wake? Oh, you're talking about the ship that sailed and sunk? Huh? Whadda ya mean by that? Ohhhhhhhh! I get it...!!!! So they got a little catching up to do, huh? Don't look so outraged! Geezeee! I destroyed their futures? Used them and abused them, stepped on them like dirt and then left them to die in their misery... You sure can lay it on thick, Chuck! Can't come close to see all the damage I've done? Broke hearts and families like toothpicks and threw them away like garbage... Ya Chuck. Ya got me there. I never did like fraternizin' with the lowlifes.

"Whadda ya mean they'll reap a prize greater than anything I'll ever see? They've already done their suffering and they'll be exempt from all the extended training? Had their humility training? Will need to be revitalized with lotsa love therapy? Have to be taught all over again to love themselves? Have to be shown how much God really loves them? Have to be reminded that their place is secured here? Jesus Christ told them that his father has many mansions awaiting them...and I get the mud hut out back? Nice work, Chuck! I don't even deserve that much? Already had my mansions? Stop whining? Shut Up???

"Whadda ya mean we're going to spend a few years in the archives looking at all of my abuses to all of the people I encountered on earth? Have to take responsibility for all I've done? Can't get away with anything here. I ain't nobody here? Just another hot air balloon that will get deflated in time? God's days are as a thousand years...just like I taught... so get used to it?

"When can we go eat, Chuck? I had breakfast a long time ago? I sure would like some of those fancy pork chops again! You don't DO lunch? Find another joker to break bread with? Not many people here still practice the carnal art of eating food? Spirits don't have to eat... Just psychological conditioning makes me think I need to eat? A hard habit to break? I have a lot of hard habits to break? Most of them much worse than eating?

"This is really feeling like a nightmare! I just want to wake up! Not a chance of that, Jesus Christ? Someone here to see me? From the dreamtime? People who live on earth dream and their spirits can travel all over? I didn't know that! Who are you? Never heard of you Patti . What do you want to see me about? Spent a lot of years believing my dogma? True believer? Baptized member for many years? Tithe payer? Ha ha, another sucker!! You're laughing now because you KNOW the REAL truth and don't have any more of that religious crap in your head? Damn near destroyed you? Destroyed your life? Killed your loved one? No I didn't!!! He killed himself because you wouldn't marry him? Because of my damn decree against interracial marriage and some of his blood wasn't white? Couldn't obey 'god' and marry him too? Did all the wrong things for all the right reasons... to do God's will? Dumb sheep that followed me for years? Questioned the actions of a minister of God? Wrote to headquarters? Minister forced you out of Worldwide Church of God because you wouldn't choose 'God and the church over the truth' and you say you knew the truth and so did God, so you quit the church... expected to land in the lake of fire... refused to let minister come with his henchman and harangue you one more time... did it several times and almost snapped your mind... knew he'd destroy you if you let him come back... disfellowshipped and marked and then slandered from the pulpit for years coast to coast... heard about it from others who didn't shun you? Attempted to divide and conquer! Some couldn't be divided??? About 30 people came out of church because of the uproar? How dare they break my commandments!!! Some of the brethren still talked to you? I'll have to... Oh. That's right. I'm no longer Pastor General. I'm dead. Deader than most?

"Questioned the doctrines because of MY FRUITS and the FRUITS that TOOK OVER after I died? My absurd teachings caused you to do an in depth study? Six months? No? The past twelve years... Read all the books I forbade? Found out I was full of shit! Threw everything I taught you away and started over? Thought you knew everything when you were in Worldwide, but now you know you were programmed to think this and realize you don't know much... Now know just the basics? Enough? Enough to not worry anymore... or pay tithes to anyone anymore... or take anything at face value... or believe anything a preacher or politician says... Don't like nightmares either? Don't want to be around the likes of me even in a nightmare? She's gone... Wonder why she didn't sock it to me any stronger than that!!! I really screwed up her life. Took the best years of her life, destroyed the potential she had. Squelched her creativity. Guess that pissed her off the most. Never got to do the things with her life she had set out to do before she got tangled up in my web, she said. Just another daughter of EVE. Whadda ya mean, Jesus Christ... There'll be no more put downs of women!!!? Not unless I'd like to meet all the female former members in my dreams... Good grief!!! Nightmares! No, please....

to be continued...

 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" 16 by Patti (c) 1999

"Discernment... discernment... huh? So there's a difference between judgment and discernment? And you people here aren't JUDGING me? You claim to have the ability to DISCERN? God will judge me in the final judgment? 'Till then I will have to judge MYSELF according to all the acts I have done and all the misery I have created in the world? And all the lies I have told? And as I judge OTHERS I will be judging myself? I'm in big trouble... REAL BIG TROUBLE!!!

"Whining again? Naw. I'm just hashing over what everybody's been telling me. Talking to myself! Nobody wants to listen to an old man anymore. An old DEAD man I might add. Pity pot? There's that damn term again. Will somebody please tell me what the hell a pity pot is? Your name is Bill? Bill W.? And you'll tell me all about it if I'll go to some meetings? I'll learn a lot about myself if I go to these meetings? I'll learn twelve steps to a new way of life? I'll think about it, Bill. Thanks. Might just take him up on that offer. I'd sure like to know what the hell a pity pot is!

"I'm going over to that library Jesus Christ was telling me about. I want to look up some stuff he mentioned and... Oh... you're on your way to the library too? A teacher? Used to call you a great philosopher? Plato? Oh sure, I heard of you. I'm Herbert W. Armstrong, founder and Pastor General of the Worldwide Church of God in Pasadena, California. I used to FORBID my followers to READ your writings!!! Heh, heh... How could I convice them the earth was six thousand years old if I let them read about the sunken continent of Atlantis that you wrote about? ...*And a 50,000 year old petroglyph map in Ica, Peru that shows the island in the Atlantic! Hell, then they'd have realized that those who survived the sinking island fled to Europe as well as America and thus my claim of British Israelism would have been out the window. Hell, even Adolf Hitler's claim to a pure Aryan race would be down the toilet. Deliberately deceived people? Yeah. So what? Paid the rent... heh heh... You calling me pitiful? Plato is a jerk! No sense of humor!

"Now I forgot what is was Jesus Christ told me to look up... Oh yeah... It was a book about the Tree of Life. Lets see here. Oh yeah... found it! Hum, interesting. **Another book I forbade my 'sheep' to read. Heh, heh, heh... Shows the creation... How God first designed the macrocosm... means universe it says here.... and the microcosm.... human beings... and what keeps the universe in balance... Wow. Deep stuff! Humm... the visual diagram is the symbol of the tree in the garden of Eden! Holy SHIT!!! And it says here that it shows the four worlds, and the trinities... TRINITIES!!! Plural!! NO SHIT! Boy oh boy am I in trouble now! After all the preaching I did that there was no TRINITY!!! Here is ancient knowledge of the trinity... I'm not sure if I want to find out... but if I don't read the damn book, Jesus Christ is going to be on my case, so either way, I'm going to have to report back to him... May as well read it... its kind of interesting anyway... Hey, this is the same stuff that old keeper of the assignments was telling me about electricity the other day, electrical currents and positive and negative poles... says here that the trinity is the underlying principal of the balance within the universal laws of life... it says here that the three are as one and one is as three... Oh shit! Hum...all things were polorized... positive masculine... negative feminine. Shit! I could have told 'em that!!! ...electric or magnetic..This shows the equality of the feminine and masculine!!! I can't stand to read this! Its against everything I hold dear!

"And just what do I hold dear, you ask? Jesus Christ, you again! Well of course, the superiority of the male gender!!! NOT! You're blasting my illusions, man! Better get used to it you say? I'm still in kindergarden? Time to learn about our androgynous creator God, Herbert? Whats androgynous mean? Having both genders? OH MAN! You're getting too weird for me! No superior gender? Created equal? Womn are Not to be submissive to men? I can't stand it, Jesus! I can't accept that they are equal. After all, my whole life has been dedicated to eradicating women's power.... Not something I should be proud of? Have to repent? MOTHER EVE DID NOT SIN? I can't stand it!!!! I just can't stand it!!!! God punished her with pain in childbirth because of her sins.....!!! NOT??? Counsel of Nicea's way to subjugate women started long before I was on the scene? They were able to impute their motives into scripture? Many of the Hebrew words were mistranslated? Many words had higher or multiple meanings and could not be expressed in other lanuages adequately? The Catholic Church was instrumental in translating the Bible texts? You mean to say that I was right about them?

"Oh... you don't like me calling them Babylon, the Great Mother of Whores? Do I realize I was one of them? One of whom, Jesus Christ? One of the whores??? I've been called a lot of things in my life, but never a whore. A whore hopper, yes, of course. But never a whore! You were speaking collectively of my organization, the Worldwide Church of God as being one of the daughter's of Babylon? Oh. And all that preaching and all that prolific writing was in vain... An abomination? A total misomer? Should have called it the Worldwide Church of Crap or the Worldwide Web of Deceit??? Or like David Robinson wrote in his book, The Tangled Web. Oh, I really did a good job of weaving, didn't I?

After all these trips to the library and the training sessions, you're going to send me to the archives where I can look up my REAL ancestry? You mean to say that I can't claim King David as my great-great greeeeeeeaaaaaaat grandpa? Not even related except that he was human too? Wouldn't want to admit to having a descendant like me? Would disown me if I was descended by some fluke? Already has enough grand descendents? Too much significance has been given to his lineage anyway? Some day I may understand the great plan of God and realize that there was a real plan, and that no human being could have interfered with it, not even me? And that there will never be any ONE human being who will be the ONLY human God communicates with and if anyone ever tells people that again, people should run like hell... because its probably somebody like me? You know, Jesus Christ, its not fun anymore being an apostle."

* "Mitakuye Oyasin" (We are all related), by Dr. A.C. Ross (Ehanamani), Bear, Box 480005, Denver, CO 80248; 1989. ISBN 0-9621977-0-X

**Kabbalah, Your Path to Freedom, by Ann Williams-Heller, Quest Books, 1990, ISBN 0-8356-0656-2

to be continued...


 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" 17 by Patti (c) 1999

"Why am I sitting here on a park bench pouting you ask? Well Saint John Trechak, if you would be keeping up your life's work of following me around and snooping and reporting on me then you wouldn't have to ask.!!! Now would you!!! Been through hell and back these last few days. Got a lot on my mind. Have a lot of reading to do. Just books and pamphlets and videos and materials that take up all my time. Jesus Christ has been on my case and just makes me study everything. Says that I'm an over bearing hard headed nut case! No respect here John. I don't get no respect. And then they tell me people from higher planes can come here to visit by lowering their vibrational level but that anybody assigned here can't go any higher until they earn that right. Oh? You knew that? That was one of the first things they taught you on your plane? You mean you already are on a higher level and... You LOWER YOURSELF to come and see ME??? Just your VIBRATIONS!!!! Not your integrity? There's that WORD again... INTEGRITY!!! What the HELL is INTEGRITY John? Stop laughing!!! John...

"Its all in the dictionary? Your dictionary says that it means HONESTY? Words like SINCERITY, UPRIGHTNESS, WHOLENESS, SOUNDNESS come to your mind? And like you said I don't have any of these characteristics? What do you mean PERSONAL INTEGRITY? Whadda ya mean I messed with people's personal integrity!!! I'm not responsible for other people, John!!! I am so? Because of all my lies, I led them into corruption? Caused them to not think for themselves? Did their thinking for them, therefore took responsibility for all of them? Took away their ability to think by using mind control techniques? Shouldn't have patterned my practices after Hitler?? Integrity is a personal choice? When a person's free will is taken away and interfered with as I did to my followers, then their FREE WILL CHOICE is also destroyed?? So you're telling me, John, that they weren't responsible for their own actions? That they were 'just following orders'??? So I'm responsible for all of them?

"Jesus Christ. Right on time. Here's John Trechak giving me a short course on something I've never heard of before. Integrity. Know anything about this, Jesus Christ? Been listening to us telepathically?? Oh. Forgot about that!!! John, did you know about telepathic communication like they use here? Oh, you knew that a long time ago? When you first got here already? Before you got here? Oh. Guess you did some READING in your spare time then, huh John. Weren't always reporting on me and my organization? John? Stop laughing. It isn't funny.

"Its God's job to decide who is responsible? Everyone is responsible for their own behavior but God takes it into consideration when they have been abused with mind control and gives them a special dispensation? Those who do the mind control however, get double barrel treatment? Boy oh boy...have I heard THAT a lot here!!! God's love is in balance, remember? Its the TRINITY that keeps everything in balance... There's THAT word again too. Jesus Christ, I never believed in a trinity. Taught all my followers there were two Gods. Now the Holy Spirit is gonna GET me? Because I slandered her? HER??? OOOH SHIT!!!

"Feminine aspect of God??? Suppressed? Goddess? This is one lesson that I don't want to hear about, Jesus christ!!! I am not in any mood to discuss it!!! If there is such a thing, then I don't want to know about it!!! You can't force me to learn!!! No choice in THIS matter? Can't deny A*N*Y part of God if I want to stay HERE...!!! Feminine ASPECT is a part of GOD!!! Whadda ya mean I might be surprised to learn that the feminine aspect of God could very well be incarnated on the earth today?!! This is too much, Jesus Christ!!! This must be another one of those nightmares!!!!

"John, I have to get out of here!!! Will you go for a walk with me? Lets go get some pork chops. I am NOT a HYPOCRITE!!!! How can I eat pork chops after all the years of abstinence from them? Do you actually believe, John, that I, THE APOSTLE had to be ABSTINENT? That was one of the tennents of the Worldwide Church of God, but as the APOSTLE I did not have to obey. I GAVE the orders John, I didn't TAKE them!!! Whadda ya mean THINK about that and I might understand INTEGRITY ...or lack thereof??? John? Where are you going? You and Jesus Christ are going out for breakfast? Bacon and eggs sound good. Can I come along? Have to read the booklets on "Integity" and "Shekinah, The Feminine Aspect of God"... THEN I can go eat...!? Its not FAIR!!! Its just not fair!!! They get to eat and I have to stay here and read. And nobody told me SHE had a NAME. The SHE-god. Shekinah. Not a bad sounding name though. Shit. Who would have ever guessed that God had a feminine side! He has always been masculine in my mind.

"I wonder if Joe Tkach ever heard about THIS? Hey Joe? Can't you HEAR ME??? Everybody on this PLANE can hear me bellow? That's not nice to say Joe. They can hear me telepathically and then they can hear me with their other senses too? Oh. Loud? Demanding? Spoiled brat? Kindergarten? Diapers? Ok Joe. Enough compliments already. I just called you because I was lonesome and wanted to ask you about 'her'. Did you ever hear of 'her'. IF YOU READ MY THOUGHTS, DAMMIT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. NO TIME TO PLAY STUPID, JOE!!! Oh, you've known about 'her' for some time already? One of the first lessons they gave you because you were so cruel to your wife, who was made in the IMAGE afterall, of God...the she-god! Oh Joe. Do you think we'll ever learn all this TRUTH??????

"You aren't supposed to take anybody elses truth as your own? Supposed to look inside and find the truth there? That's what the Bible meant by "the kingdom of God is within you"? Oh, so we're back to the Bible, which has so much fiction, and so much non-fiction that I don't know which is which!!! Yeah, I do think I've got troubles! What do I think of all the people I deceived with my lies? They are still picking the fly shit out of the pepper? What the HELL does THAT mean Joe? Means its hard to tell the difference sometimes between the truth and non-truth? I spent a lifetime confusing the two. Now I have to join the ranks and pick up the pepper shaker and get to work???? Everybody else has to do this too? PICK THE FLY SHIT OUT OF THE PEPPER?????? This place really bugs me. I don't get no respect. Have to read all these goddam booklets. Have to listen to all these lectures....and Ach choooooooooooooooooo!!!! Now the goddam pepper!!!!!

"You were only kidding, Joe??? Joe, you sonofa BITCH! Whadda ya mean watch it or the SHE-god is gonna get ya... Shut up, Joe. Just SHUT UP!!!!

to be continued


 The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" 18 by Patti (c) 1999

"That damn Joe. Thinks he's so smart! Pick fly shit out of pepper!! Just doesn't give me the respect I deserve!!! As the twentieth century apostle, I should get more respect. Oh, so I should have gotten the 'hint' by now that I'm not really an apostle? And who are you? Paul who was Saul and who has seen it all? Ha ha ha.... finally somebody with a sense of humor!!! So whadda ya call yourself now? Oh you're one of God's Apostles. A real apostle? One of the originals? Imposter? You're calling me an imposter? Not just an imposter but a self-righteous egotistical self-centered IMPOSTER! No sense of humor there. Just another GROUCH! I'm outa here! Have to find some peace and quiet! Where's that pathway to the park. Oh... here it is...

"Why am I tossing pebbles into the pond? Because I'm disgusted with everybody here... who's asking? Oh, its you Jesus Christ. What now? You want me to just sit here and watch what I'm doing? I'm just tossing these little pebbles into the water, one after another. You want me to wait a minute and then toss just one in and watch the ripples? Then what? Just watch, huh? Ok. So now what? Yeah, I see the ripples. Just one pebble makes all those ripples. Yeah. So? Compare me to a pebble? You think I'm just a pebble? Oh, that's not what you said... make an analogy? Like I'm the pebble...? And all the ripples I've caused... oh. Everything I've done in my life is like this pebble... having a ripple effect long after its sunk out of sight... oh yeah? How so?

"Do I know the status of the Worldwide Church of God since I died? Yeah, sure, Joe Tkach took over as Pastor General. Do I know what he did with my doctrines? Yeah, sure. He and his son changed just about everything. Got rid of the ban on medical treatment, changed the Sabbath, turned it into just another protestant church... everything deteriorated like a row of dominos tumbling. That's not all? What then? Oh, lots of people left Worldwide because of the changed doctrines... yeah, can't say I blame them. Offshoot groups? Rod, Gerald, Bill and lots of others set up their own groups? Lots more people got recruited? More abuses? Some groups carried on in Armstrong style? No? STRONG ARM style, brow beating women and children... still a dangerous cult only now instead of one its a whole bunch of them... Yeah, just like I said in the old days... when you cut down the main trunk of the tree a bunch of offshoots spring up like weeds!!!! Nothing to be proud of? I'm responsible for all these people too? They'll be suffering the 'ripple effect'? Even though I'm long gone from there, they are still under my thumb and doctrines...

"That's one of the universal laws you were telling me about? What affects one person affects all of us? The web of life? Each a strand in the web of life, sorta like a spider web... I single handedly pulled down the consciousness of thousands of people, generations of people and it still continues because my 'trainees' continue to teach what I taught... And it will be a long long time before the mess will be cleaned up and the people will understand they were all duped. I wasn't the only one? All kinds of organized religion will be called on the carpet for their misdeeds? No shit? All religions are man made? All cults are pseudo-religions and are created by stereotypical egotists like me who are power and control freaks!! You've been reading my mail... heh heh

"No one needs RELIGION to reach God? Prayer is US TALKING TO GOD... Meditation is the way we HEAR GOD TALK TO US!!!!!??? I have to learn how to keep QUIET so that I can LISTEN instead of talk all the time? If I meditate I will hear my guidance? Never could before because my EGO got in the way? All of my life I've been on one big EGO trip?? Geeee, thanks a lot!! God had no way to reach me? I Claimed I had the only channel to God and here my channel was plugged with BULLSHIT? You telling me that it wasn't my guidance I followed but my EGO? Humph!!! Did I ever do anything RIGHT? NEVER LISTENED? ALWAYS A KNOW-IT-ALL ARROGANT WART-HOG!!!??? Now you're name calling! Got my ATTENTION? Yeah... yeah... yeah...What guidance? We all have a spirit guide or guardian angel? Unlike what I taught that all beings that were spirit were evil DEMONS. Our guides are usually someone from the spirit side who knows us well and agrees to be there for us throughout our lifetime on earth. Mine RESIGNED? Went AWOL??? Put an ad in the Ambassador Report looking for a replacement!!! No resumes? Not even an application!!! STOP LAUGHING!!! I don't think its a BIT funny!!!

"So Jesus Christ, if I sit quietly, keep my mouth shut, quiet down my thoughts I should be able to hear God? That's the idea? You don't think I am ready for that? You don't believe I could STOP TALKING for any length of time? You're not sure God is interested in talking to me right now? Disgusted with my attitude? I should read some more books. Good one just written by a renouned psychic, *Sylvia Browne still on earth... about the 'other side'... lots of good information explaining the TRUTH about spiritual stuff. Not lies like I wrote and preached for years? So why are you making me read all these books written by WOMEN, Jesus Christ? Because for once in my life I'm going to have to listen to them and learn from them??? Fat chance they can teach ME anything, Jesus Christ. Never learned anything from one yet!

"Well, if you're finished with me for the day, Oh... You're not? You would like to show me how to pick fly shit out of pepper? You too?? Think you can fool me with that TRICK? A lesson in discernment!!? That WORD again!!! True discernment IS picking the fly shit out of the pepper..? Oh... I never needed to sort it before. Yeah... yeah... yeah... You saying I was better off delusional? No? You're saying I was NEVER DECEIVED. KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING... FULLY AWARE... R*E*S*P*O*N*S*I*B*L*E FOR MY ACTIONS? Yeah, heh heh heh, aren't we all!

I sure can't figure out what the BIG DEAL is! Wish I had my jet. I'm bored.

*"The Other Side and Back" A Psychic's Guide to Our World and Beyond. Sylvia Browne with Lindsay Harrison. Dutton. 1999. ISBN 0-525-94504-0

to be continued...

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